Muppets extended cut (PhilharMagic Fantasia)

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We're doing a sequel
There's no need to disguise

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The studio considers us
a viable franchise

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We're doing a sequel
How hard can it be?
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We can't do any worse
than The Godfather III
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MAN 1: Coming through!
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WOMAN: Sending over to wardrobe!
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MAN 2: We're taking this set apart.
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Oh!
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How about one of those
fish out of water movies?
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Yeah, I'm not so sure about that, Lew.
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How about a movie where you
don't make a movie?
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And we all get to go home early!
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(BOTH LAUGHING)
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Good grief.
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-(PLAYING PIANO)
-It about a lonely dog,
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and one night he sees something
he should never have seen.
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And he has to live with a terrible secret.
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That sounds a little dark, Rowlf.
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Exactly why do we have
an "Open All Doors" button?
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Seems kind of dangerous.
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Eat your goulash.
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(POWERING DOWN)
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-(GRUNTING)
-(PUNCHES LANDING)
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(DISHES SHATTERING)
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Kermit, we are professional performers.
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Actors, musicians, and...
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Others.
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Gee, guys, nobody ever
said this would be easy.
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We have to start small.
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Then go huge?
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Well, then go slightly less small.
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And then a touch less small
until we're small-to-medium-small.
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Why did I invent
the automatic drowning helmet?
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The extra sharp chair?
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Or the unexpectedly
exploding cupcake?
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-(SCREAMS)
-(ALL GASP)
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Because it's there, Kermit.
Because it's there.
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Australian superstar...
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Not Australian. Austrian. Austrian.
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Yeah, of course. Yes, right.
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Cancel the Waltzing Matilda
opening Australian number.
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But we rehearsed it.
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-What?
-Jeez Louise.
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Sorry. Austrian superstar...
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Here is the lemur file.
It is everything we have on him.
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Sure, frog.
Everyone is innocent in a Gulag.
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Who is this Constantine guy anyway?
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Abandoned as tadpole by his mother,
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Constantine was adopted by owner
of Russia's largest bomb factory,
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which he subsequently blew up.
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He is world's foremost explosives expert
and number one criminal.
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Well, listen, I can assure you
I'm terrified of bombs.
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Especially on stage. (CHUCKLES)
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That was bad on two levels.
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I can give you anything you want
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Give you anything you need
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I'll make your dreams come true
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Give you anything you want
Fulfill your fantasies
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I'll make your dreams come true
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You want a taste of fame
I'll give it to you
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You want a little cupcake
I'll give it to you
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You want a cockatoo
I'll give it to you
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You want a kangaroo
I'll give it to you
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You want American car
I'll give it to you
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You want a Hollywood star
I'll give it to you
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You wanna go to the moon...
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I'll see what I can do
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I know what you're waiting for
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Well, you don't need to wait no more
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Okay, Kermit,
five minutes till showtime.
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-(BREATHING DEEPLY)
-Uh...
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Kermit? Chief?
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-(GRUNTS)
-Whoa!
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(SCOOTER GROANS)
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Sorry.
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Oh, uh, no problem, chief.
Are you coming?
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No. I refuse to perform.
Do show without me.
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Sorry, one second.
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-Can I just have a quick word?
-CONSTANTINE: No.
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-DOMINIC: It's just, uh...
-What?
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DOMINIC: Okay, you have to go,
Number One.
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CONSTANTINE: No,
you can not make me go.
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You're the one who must go,
Number Two.
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DOMINIC: I can't go. I don't need to go.
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You're the one who needs to go,
Number One.
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-CONSTANTINE: I have idea.
-What?
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CONSTANTINE: We will
both go together.
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DOMINIC: That would look weird.
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I'm begging you, go. Go, Number One.
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CONSTANTINE: I cannot.
Not after what happened last time.
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DOMINIC: Look at this. This might help.
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Yes, yes. I am Kermit. Mm-hmm. Yes.
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Okay, chief. Wrap it up.
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One minute, please.
Let me drink it in. Ah...
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I knew audiences dug jam sessions.
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Ah, this is the life, mon ami.
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Out on the open road
with no schedule at all.
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Except for Madrid.
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From ten o'clock till 10:04
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Was when we did the show's encore
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Hmm, frog we've got our doubts
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Can you confirm your whereabouts?
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We can give you a plea deal
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All you have to do is squeal
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I'm not a thief
I don't know how
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All I've ever taken is a bow
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Bring in the purple guy
with the schnoz.
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Do you remember what you did
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On the night you played Madrid?
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I was hit by a raging bull
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And rushed off stage to the hospital
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Gonzo, what do you know
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About a sculpture theft
at Madrid's Prado
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I never saw the stolen busts
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I spent the night in bed concussed
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The truth, Gonzo the clock is tickin'
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If you don't believe me ask the chicken
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Camilla was there she'll cooperate
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Madame, are you willing
to corroborate?
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(CLUCKING FRANTICALLY)
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Will someone get
this chicken out of here?
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Calm down, Camilla
it's a routine inspection
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Thank you, Gonzo
no more questions
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To help with our investigation
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Could someone provide
a full translation?
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(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
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-Après vous.
-No, no, after you.
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-No, après vous.
-No, please, after you.
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-Mon cher ami, après vous.
-I insist.
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Now, look! This song does not work.
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It's a six-part harmony, for crying out
loud! Forget it, it's not happening.
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Now you...
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You're... You're not eyeballing me.
Are you eyeballing me?
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-No, no.
-Are you eyeballing me?
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(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
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There is riot in block D.
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Can't you see I'm busy?
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-Is that a scarf?
-Mmm.
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-Is it a present for someone?
-Yes.
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Who?
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Not important.
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And I like totally cried
when he joined the Muppets.
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-Coming.
-Can I be honest?
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The show will be better without them.
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-Couldn't get any worse.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
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But Dominic is right.
We're better off without them.
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Exactly.
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-Well, that's true.
-No, it ain't.
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No, no, it ain't. It's not.
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Oh, my gosh.
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Kermit's really doing it, isn't he?
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(CLUCKING)
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I told you, when I'm a millionaire.
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Again.
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Yes, pictures now.
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(SIGHS) This ring. It's so... So black.
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It's a little ominous, to tell the truth.
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It's a very rare black diamond.
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That ring is priceless.
Like you, my dear.
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Oh, Kermie, you've never
said that to me be...
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...fore.
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What's gotten into you?
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Love, my dear.
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Love.
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-(CLAMORING)
-(APPLAUSE)
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So... Secret phase three,
proposing to the pig.
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Keep up, Number Two.
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In Tower of London, you cannot
put on stupid variety show,
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but you can get married.
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You see, Blood's passageways
are located
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directly below Saint John's Chapel.
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I realized months ago that
our only chance of pulling this off
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was a Muppet wedding.
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-(BULL LOWING)
-(GRUNTS)
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(MOOS)
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Wow!
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What do you call a clairvoyant
dwarf that escaped from the Gulag?
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A small medium at large.
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-(PRISONERS LAUGH)
-Oh! (LAUGHS)
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Wocka, wocka, wocka.
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WALTER: Let's go get him.
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Well, the weakest point of the Gulag
is over there by the fourth wall.
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Okay. We're gonna have to
break the fourth wall.
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Hmm.
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-I don't think is gonna work, guys.
-I'm afraid you're right.
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-What are you doing here?
-(WHIMPERING)
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You're supposed to be
getting ready, Number One.
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And also, your thing is showing.
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Ah, yes. Yes, of course.
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I know that, you complete idiot.
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Why do you think I am walking around
with these flowers to cover my face?
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-All right. Calm down.
-Thank you.
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For nothing!
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-How did you do that?
-CONSTANTINE: Do what?
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Ow! I mean, nothing.
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Whatever.
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Phase four. I do not plan to be
married for long.
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Yeah, but if you get divorced,
you'll have to share
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the Crown Jewels with her fifty-fifty.
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I will not be getting divorced, you idiot.
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For Mr., uh... The Frog.
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CONSTANTINE: Ah, yes.
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Hey, there. Can we help you guys?
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Yeah, we're the Disney
synergy invites. This is our row.
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What's synergy?
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It's the interaction of multiple elements
in a system.
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Okay, see you soon.
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(GAGGING)
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(GARGLES AND COUGHS)
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(GAGGING CONTINUES)
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-Kermit, are you carsick?
-(COUGHS)
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I swallowed a hairpin months ago,
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in case something
like this should happen.
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It's one of those things
you learn in prison, Fozzie.
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Hmm.
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(RETCHING)
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Give me your paw.
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Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
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That's slimy.
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Fozzie! I had that thing
in my gullet for three months.
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I'm sorry, but that was just gross.
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Good grief.
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-Bear left.
-Right, frog.
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I knew it. No one could have
a cold for that long.
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Or that bad of an accent, okay.
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This hobo believes in love again.
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What are you doing over there?
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So, uh, how do we land this thing, huh?
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Oh, that's easy.
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It's pronounced "Bad-gee."
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Sam. Sam! Wait for me!
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Since I stole the Crown Jewels,
guess I'm number one now.
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But we're going to jail.
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Doesn't matter.
Still counts, still stole 'em.
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(SINGING) I'm number one
you're number two
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Shut up.
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That's my song.
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