Wind in the Willows (The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad) subtitles

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NARRATOR: If you were asked
choose the most fabulous character
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in English literature, who would it be?

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Robin Hood?
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King Arthur?

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Becky Sharp? Sherlock Holmes?

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Oliver Twist, perhaps?

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Any one of them
would be an excellent choice.

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Still, for the most fabulous character
of all, I would nominate a toad.
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J. Thaddeus Toad, Esquire.

Have you never met him?

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You'll find his story in this delightful
book, The Wind In The Willows.
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Toad, you might say,
was the one disturbing element.

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Incurable adventurer.
Mad, reckless, tried everything.

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Positive mania for fads,
and he never counted the cost.

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Had a host of fair-weather friends,
of course,
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but there were only three
who had his best interests at heart.

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One was a badger.
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MacBadger.

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Then there was a water rat. Bit stuffy,
perhaps, but really a fine fellow.
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And a mole.

Gentle creature, kind and sympathetic.

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They all made their homes in a quaint
little community along a riverbank.

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Now, on that particular day,
Mole was in a hurry because...

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(CHIMING)
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Oh, yes, because he was late for tea.

A regrettable habit.
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Rat had more or less
learned to put up with it.
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As usual, "Sorry, Rat," says Mole.
"Quite all right," says Rat.
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"Two lumps?"
"If you please," says Mole.
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Just as they were getting
comfortably settled...

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(KNOCKING)
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-Special delivery, Mr. Rat.

-Thank you, postman.
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How's everything
on the river today, sir?
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Dashed quiet, as usual. Thank you.
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Mole. Listen to this.
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(RAT READING)
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Rat was certain Toad was making
trouble again.

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The answer to that lay
just around the bend at Toad Hall,

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the ancestral home
of J. Thaddeus himself.

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This impressive structure,
by the way, was by all odds
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the finest home on the river.

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The animals were

tremendously proud of it.

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They felt it gave the whole community
an air of respectability.

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To lose Toad Hall was,

of course, unthinkable.

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Yet it was no secret

that Toad's costly follies

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had brought him
to the brink of bankruptcy.

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As a last resort,
MacBadger volunteered

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to take over
and put Toad's house in order.

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(GROANING)
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-Smashed fence.
-(THUDDING)
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12 guineas.
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(THUDDING CONTINUES)
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Damage, lamppost.
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-$4.6s.
-(THUDDING)
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(THUDDING CONTINUES)
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Destruction o' hen house.
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Um... Ach!
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How can a man figure out all this

with all this hubbub?
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(ANGRY SHOUTING)
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-I will not be put off!

-Pay my bill!
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Silence! You'll get your money

in due course.
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Now go along with you.
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I'll pay no more today.
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Why did I ever assume
the responsibility of looking after...
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Ach.
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Didn't I tell you...
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Ah.
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It's you, Rat. And Mole, too.
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Thank goodness, lads.
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You've come at last.

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NARRATOR: Poor MacBadger.
He'd reached the end of his rope.
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-For as he said himself...

-I'm practically a nervous wreck.
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I say, MacBadger,
what seems to be the trouble?
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Summat's got to be done about Toad!
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This time he's going too far.
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-But he promised us.

-Promises?
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What good are his promises

when these wild manias take him?
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Now, look. You're his closest friends.
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-Are you not?

-Yes.
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-Very dear friends.

-Then, lads,
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you've got to find Toad and stop him.
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-What's he doing?

-He's got a new mania.
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He's rampaging about the county

in a canary-yellow gypsy cart.
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With a horse named Cyril.

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TOAD: Tally-ho!
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(SINGING) Are we on our way
to Nottingham
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Brittingham or Buckingham?
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Or any hammy hamlet by the sea?
No!
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Are we on our way to Devonshire
Lancashire or Worcestershire?
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I'm not so sure
We'll have to wait and see
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Are we on our way to Dover
Or flowing merrily over
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The jolly old road
that goes to Plymouth Ho?
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No!
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We're merrily, merrily, merrily
merrily, merrily on our way
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To nowhere in particular
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We're merrily, merrily, merrily
merrily, merrily on our way
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Through the roads are perpendicular
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-We're always in a hurry
-We have no time to stall
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We've got to be there, got to be there
Here we come to call
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We're merrily, merrily, merrily
merrily, merrily on our way
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And we may be going to Dovonshire
to Lancashire, to Worcestershire
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We're not so sure
but what do we care?
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We're only sure we've got to be there
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We're merrily on our way
to nowhere at all
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Hello, you fellows. You're the very
animals I was coming to see.
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Come along. Hop up here.

We'll go for a jolly ride.

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TOAD: The open road.
The dusty highway.
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Come! I'll show you the world.
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Travel! Change! Excitement!
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Ha, ha, ha!
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CYRIL: Ahem!
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Ahem.
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How stupid of me.
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I want you fellows to meet
my noble steed, Cyril.
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That's me. (CLICKS TONGUE)
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A bit of a trotter, a bit of a rotter.
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How do you do? How do you do?
(POSH) How do you do?
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How do you do?
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I say, guvnor, your friends seem
to be a bit on the stuffy side. What?
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We want to have a talk with you.
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Oh. A visit?
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-Splendid.
-RAT: This is serious.
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You've got to give up
that horse and cart.
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Give up my...
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But my dear Ratty, (CHUCKLES)
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this is my career.
_________________________________

-Surely you can't mean...

-I do mean it.
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You've got to stop this foolishness.
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-No.

-You must.
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-I won't do it.

-Your reckless behavior...
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I won't

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RAT: You're fast becoming
a menace to society.
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If you won't think of yourself,
think of poor, old MacBadger.
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As for that horse,
no good can ever come from
_________________________________
gadding about with such a fast
and irresponsible beast.
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-Get him, Mole.

-Come down, Toady.
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Stop it. Let me go.

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Giddy up, Cyril!
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It's no use.
You'll never get me to give this up.
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Whee! Tally-ho!
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Yikes!
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(HORN)
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(CYRIL WHINNIES)
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Hey...
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(ENGINE SPLUTTERS)
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(HORN)
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Gad!
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-What is it?

-Lumme, Guvnor!
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-It's a motor car.

-Motor car?
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(ENGINE BACKFIRES)
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(SPLUTTERING)
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(CRASHING)
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(CAR HORN)
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A motor car.
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Gad.
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What have I been missing?
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(IMITATES SOUND OF ENGINE)
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Ratty...
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It isn't... He hasn't...
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It is and he has.
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A new mania. Motor mania!

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NARRATOR: Mania. That's it.
That's what it was.
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A positive mania.

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No telling where it would end, either.

Might linger for months.
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And with Toad Hall at stake,
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well, Rat and Mole had no choice.

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There was only one thing to do.

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Lock the poor chap in his chambers
and keep him there.
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Until the poison worked
out of his system.

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(TOAD MAKES CAR NOISES)
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Hold him, Moley.
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(SPLUTTERS)

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RAT: That's better.
And you can't escape.
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There's simply no use trying.
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Let me out of here. Open up.
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Open up, I tell you.
Please! Ratty! Moley! Open the door.
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Playing jailer to one's dearest friend
wasn't exactly a pleasant situation.
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In fact, Moley weakened right at
the start and wanted to call it quits.
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But Ratty said no, definitely not.

This time, they must be firm.
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(RATTLING)
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(THUDDING)
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After all, it wasn't just a matter
of saving Toad from himself.
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There was MacBadger to consider,
and Toad Hall and all that it stood for.
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There was only one thing wrong with
Ratty's cure for Toad's motor mania.

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It didn't work.
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You see, Toad was far too clever.

and at the moment, completely mad.

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He was determined to get a motor car.

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Even if he had to beg, borrow or...

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MAN: Toad arrested!
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(VERY RAPIDLY) His Majesty's Court
of Assizes...
_________________________________
Toad of Toad Hall... 24th August...
On the following brief...
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(BLUSTERS)
_________________________________
(CLEARS THROAT)
_________________________________

Accuses J. Thaddeus Toad

of stealing a motor car...
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In reckless manner on a high road...
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To the endangerment of the subjects
of His Majesty... Their life and limbs.
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Counsel for the Crown,

proceed with the case.
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M'lord, I call as first Crown witnesses
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Mr. Rat and Mr. Mole!
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Is it true that you had the accused
locked in his own house
_________________________________

because he threatened

to get a motor car?
_________________________________

Did you or did you not

have him locked up?
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-We did.

-Thank you. That is all.

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JUDGE: Next witness.
CLERK: Mr. Angus MacBadger!
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As trustee of the Toad estate,
_________________________________

you knew of the prisoner's mania
for motor cars.
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Well...
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Due to his reckless extravagance,

you cut off his allowance.
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Well...
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Then he was, to the best
of your knowledge, without funds.
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-Well...

-That is all. Thank you.

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COUNSEL FOR CROWN:
Gentlemen of the jury, the Crown rests.
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Counsel for the defence

will present his case.
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(CLEARS THROAT)
_________________________________

M'lord, with the court's indulgence,
_________________________________

I rise prepared to plead
my own defense.
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(CLAPPING)
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RAT: Moley.
_________________________________

Stop it.
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Gentlemen of the jury,
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I call as my first witness
Cyril Proudbottom.
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CLERK: Cyril Proudbottom.
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(WHINNYING)
_________________________________

Are you acquainted
with the defendant, J. Thaddeus Toad?
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Lord, love a duck, yes!
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He's one of the jolliest chaps
I have ever run across.
_________________________________

And simply tons of money!
_________________________________

Good fellow, eh? Throws it away?
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But he wasn't throwing it away that day.
_________________________________

You heard Mr. MacBadger testify

that his allowance was cut off.
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Then how did he get a motor car?
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The only way a gentleman

gets anything.
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-The honest way.

-And what is the honest way?
_________________________________

Ha, ha! I thought you wouldn't know that.
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(LAUGHTER)
_________________________________

Your Lordship, I...
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The witness may testify

in his own words.
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Righto, guvnor.

Now I'll give you the facts of the case.
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For when Toady escaped
from his boudoir,
_________________________________

he come heading straight for my place.

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Soon we was off down the highway,

but hadn't gone far, I confess,

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when all of a sudden,
with a rush and a roar,
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something passed

like the London Express.

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It was big. It was red.

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It was beautiful.

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A motor car!
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A bit of all right.

_________________________________
Toady was transfixed with rapture.

_________________________________
You could tell it was love at first sight.

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The motor pulled up to a tavern,

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wherein was located a bar.

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And we watched
while some tough-looking weasels

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got out of that lovely red car.

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Now, weasels, I know, are deceitful.

And not to be trusted at all.

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But how could I know

they'd stolen that car?

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I didn't have no crystal ball.

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And the guvnor, he's not one to dally.

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He made up his mind like a flash.
He says...

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"Try it for size, my good Cyril, while
I see what they'll take for it cash."
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So into the tavern he saunters,
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where the barman was back o' the bar.

And he said...
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Cheerio, tavern-keeper,
who's the owner of that hot-looking car?

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CYRIL: The barman,
a codger named Winky,
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leaned over the bar and said...

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Why?

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-CYRIL: The guvnor answered...
-That car must be mine.
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Whatever the price is, I'll buy.
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But Toad found he hadn't no money.

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So he promptly offered a trade.

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The weasels appeared to be willing.

In a moment, the bargain was made.

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Then Toady drawed up a paper
with almost incredible speed.

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And he called on
old Winky the barman

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to pop over and witness the deed.

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Now, the guvnor's not a bit stingy.

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He never does anything small.
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The weasels gave him

the red motor car.
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And he gave the weasels Toad Hall.
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Hmm.
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Traded Toad Hall?
An estate worth $100,000.
_________________________________
For a motor car!
_________________________________

You expect me to believe that?
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I don't expect you to believe anything.
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But fortunately, I can produce a witness.
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Call Mr. Winky.
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CLERK: Mr. Winky. Mr. Winky.
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(JUDGE BANGS GAVEL)
_________________________________

M'Lord, gentlemen,
_________________________________

facing you in the witness box is
a citizen of substance and standing.
_________________________________

A man of unimpeachable honesty.
_________________________________

Now, Mr. Winky,
do you recall an incident
_________________________________
that took place in your establishment

last August 12th
_________________________________

that I was a party to?
_________________________________

Oh, yes, sir.
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That I do, sir.
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Well, then, (CHUCKLES)
_________________________________
just tell the court
what actually happened.
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Well, guvnor.
_________________________________

You tried to sell me a stolen motor car.
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That's a deliberate lie,

you monkey-faced little rumpot.
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I've been framed. Let me go!
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Help!

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MAN: Toad guilty!
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NARRATOR: News of Toad's disgrace
rocked the nation.
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Seems the court was determined

to make an example of him.

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Of course, Toad's friends tried
to help him, but they were blocked.

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They must have reopened the case
at least a dozen times.

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Appealed to this court, that court,

any court.
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But the decision stood.
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The case of J. Thaddeus Toad
was closed.

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(SINGING) Merry, merry Christmastime

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Bind every heart with happiness...

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NARRATOR: Yes, once again
it was a white Christmas.
_________________________________

And once again,
the melodies of Yuletide
_________________________________
hung sweet upon the winter's air.
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Hearts were gay and spirits high.
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Indeed, in all the city,

there was but one spot
_________________________________
untouched by the warmth
of Christmas cheer.
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The tower. Grim monument to despair.
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Cold, cruel, forbidding.
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And unfortunately, the abode of Toad
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for a good many Christmases
yet to come.
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Poor Toad. Alone with the memories
of his wasted life.
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What a fool he'd been.
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With many a pang, he recalled
the kindly face of Angus MacBadger,
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and his sage advice so often scorned.
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A tear for Moley, too, for his loyalty,
his sympathy, his understanding.
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And Toad wept for Rat, and all those

little lectures so often laughed at.
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Yes, within the dark confines

of his miserable cell,
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a new Toad was born.
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A reformed Toad. A repentant Toad.
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In a flood of remorse,
he vowed once and for all
_________________________________
to forsake the follies

of the primrose path.
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Never, never again would he give way

to those mad, foolish manias
_________________________________

that had brought him to this sorry end.

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Being as it's Christmas,
you're allowed a visitor.
_________________________________

-Your grandma's here.

-Grandma?
_________________________________

(HIGH-PITCHED)
A merry Christmas, sonny.
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Granny wouldn't forget

her little Toady boy.
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-Cyril!
-Shh!
_________________________________
(CREAKING)
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Oh. (SOBS)
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Cyril. (SOBS)
_________________________________

Look, Christmas gift.
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-(STUTTERS) What is it?

-Don't you get it?
_________________________________

A disguise.
_________________________________

Now, all you've got to do is put on

this natty little costume and...

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NARRATOR: Alas, for good intentions,
Toad was incurable.
_________________________________

One whispered word
and all his high resolve
_________________________________

vanished in the mad whirl

of this new adventure, this new mania.
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Escape!

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-Toad's escaped!
-(SIRENS)
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(SIRENS CONTINUE)
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-(TOAD GASPS)
-(FRENZIED BARKING)
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(SIRENS CONTINUE TO BLARE)

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MAN: Halt!
_________________________________

-Oh, good evening, ma'am.

-Good evening to you, Officer.
_________________________________

(SINGING) We're merrily, merrily,
merrily merrily...

_________________________________
(CLANKING)
_________________________________
Begging your pardon, milady...
_________________________________
-Hey!
-(THUDDING)

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POLICEMAN: You fellows over there,
you see him?
_________________________________

NARRATOR: Gad!
What perfectly ripping luck.
_________________________________

Trap Toad, would they? Aha! Never!

_________________________________
MAN: There he goes.
_________________________________

-POLICEMAN: Where?
-Over there!
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(WHISTLE)
_________________________________
Bang, bang, bang.
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NARRATOR: Blockheads, let them
scour the countryside.
_________________________________

Once more, J. Thaddeus Toad
had the last laugh.

_________________________________
That same Christmas Eve,

along the riverbank,
_________________________________

the name of Toad
was banned from conversation,

_________________________________
lest the memory of his disgrace

becloud the merriment of the season.

_________________________________
And yet there was one home at least
in which two loyal hearts
_________________________________

still held the warmth

of Christian charity.

_________________________________
Bless this good food

we are about to enjoy.
_________________________________

Bless us, every one.
_________________________________

And bless poor Toad.
_________________________________

And may he get time off

for good behavior.
_________________________________
(WHISTLING)
_________________________________

Why, it's a poor old lady.
_________________________________

Let's take her over by the fire.
_________________________________
Ow!
_________________________________
Toad!
_________________________________

What are you doing here?
_________________________________

-I was just...

-Well, this is a merry Christmas.
_________________________________

-But aren't you afraid of the police?

-Afraid of the police?
_________________________________
(LAUGHS)
_________________________________

I, Toad, afraid of the police?

_________________________________
-MALE: Open up! Open up, I say!
-The police!
_________________________________

Hide me.
_________________________________

Sorry, but you owe a debt to society

and you've got to pay.
_________________________________

Let them in.
_________________________________

-(KNOCKING)
-But, Ratty...
_________________________________

-Don't you think, maybe....
-Open the door.

_________________________________
RAT: MacBadger.
_________________________________

(PANTS) Aye, lads.
_________________________________

I've just made
a very important discovery.

_________________________________
Toad Hall is ablaze with lights.

_________________________________
And in possession of

a pack of weasels.

_________________________________
And the leader of the gang

is none other than Mr...

_________________________________
WEASELS: Winky!
_________________________________
WEASEL: Hip, hip...
_________________________________

Hooray!
_________________________________

And so, you see, he did trade
Toad Hall for the motor car.
_________________________________

Then Toad was innocent all the time.
_________________________________

Aye, lads, and if he were only here,
right now...
_________________________________

-Toad!

-Angus.
_________________________________

Sorry, Toad, I misjudged you.
_________________________________

I hope someday
you'll find it in your heart...
_________________________________

Tut-tut, not another word.
_________________________________

To err is human, to forgive...
_________________________________

Thaddeus, not so fast.
_________________________________

You're still guilty in the eyes of the law.
_________________________________

To prove your innocence, we've got

to get that paper away from Winky.
_________________________________

Now, I have a plan.
_________________________________

We'll sneak in
through the secret tunnel.

_________________________________
NARRATOR: It was an excellent plan,
_________________________________
cunningly contrived,
but extremely dangerous.

_________________________________
It would work only if each did his part.
_________________________________
There was no margin for error.

_________________________________
The odds against them
were tremendous.

_________________________________
But the stakes were high.

_________________________________
Now steady's the word.

_________________________________
One false move and four lives
hang in the balance.

_________________________________
Careful, lads. There is a guard.
_________________________________

-I'll pop him off.

-Stop!
_________________________________

Who goes there?

_________________________________
NARRATOR: Phew!
That was a close one.
_________________________________

Trust Toad to start things off
on the wrong foot.

_________________________________
Well, no turning back now.
_________________________________
Nothing for it but to push on.

_________________________________
What new and greater perils

lay ahead no one could say.

_________________________________
For with Toad already getting
out of hand, anything could happen.

_________________________________
(WHIRRING)
_________________________________
(DOOR CREAKS)
_________________________________
(SNORING)
_________________________________
MOLE: Oh, look. They're all asleep.
_________________________________
MacBADGER: Lads, they're drunk.
They're been hitting the bottle.
_________________________________
-But where's Winky?
-RAT: There he is.
_________________________________
MacBADGER: Shh.
He's got the paper on him.
_________________________________

(WHISPERS)
We'll have to climb up on the balcony.
_________________________________
(SNORES)
_________________________________
(GULPS)
_________________________________

The paper. It's gone.

_________________________________
Oi.
_________________________________
Get 'em.
_________________________________

I beg your pardon.
_________________________________
Moley! Moley!
_________________________________

Over here.

_________________________________
WINKY: After it.
_________________________________

(LAUGHING) Just one more.
_________________________________

There he is. Get him.
_________________________________

Where's Moley?
_________________________________

Well, laddies, we saved our skins.
_________________________________

But we did not get the deed.
_________________________________
TOAD: Ahem!
_________________________________

Well done, Thaddeus.

-ALL: Hip, hip, hooray!

_________________________________
NARRATOR: And so it was
a happy ending after all.
_________________________________

Toad's friends
were dreadfully proud of him.
_________________________________
And why not? He was a new toad now,

completely reformed,

_________________________________
through with gypsy carts

and motor cars forever.

_________________________________
And so, on this happiest of New Years,
a toast was in order.

_________________________________
To the New Year! And to the new Toad.
_________________________________
(CRASHING)
_________________________________
(WHIRRING)

_________________________________
TOAD: Hello, you fellows.
_________________________________

Come, I'll show you the world.
_________________________________

Travel! Change! Excitement!
_________________________________
(TOAD LAUGHS)
_________________________________

And that was
the fabulous Thaddeus Toad.

_________________________________
But let's weigh our judgement carefully,

we moles and rats and badgers.
_________________________________

Really, now, don't we envy him a bit?

_________________________________
(CHUCKLES) I know I do.

_________________________________
So when we speak
of fabulous characters,

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the most fabulous of all will always be,
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to me at least, the master of Toad Hall.
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