Hercules — Subtitles (en) — Search for video captions

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NARRATOR: Long ago,

in the faraway land of ancient Greece,

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there was a golden age of powerful

gods and extraordinary heroes.

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And the greatest and strongest of all

these heroes was the mighty Hercules.

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But what is the measure of a true hero?

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-That is what our story is...

-Will you listen to him?

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He's makin' the story sound like

some Greek tragedy.

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-Lighten up, dude.

-We'll take it from here, darling.

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NARRATOR: You go, girl.

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We are the Muses, goddesses of

the arts and proclaimers of heroes.

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Heroes like Hercules.

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Honey, you mean "Hunk-ules."

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Ooh, I'd like to make

some sweet music with him...

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Our story actually begins long before

Hercules, many aeons ago.

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Ah

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Back when the world was new

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The planet Earth was down on its luck

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And everywhere gigantic brutes

called Titans ran amok

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It was a nasty place

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There was a mess

wherever you stepped

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Where chaos reigned and the

earthquakes and volcanoes never slept

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Say it, girlfriend!

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And then along came Zeus

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-He hurled his thunderbolt

-CHORUS: He zapped

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-Locked those suckers in a vault

-They're trapped

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And on his own

stopped chaos in its tracks

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And that's the gospel truth

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The guy was too "Type A" to just relax

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And that's the world's first dish

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Yeah, baby.

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Zeus tamed the globe

while still in his youth

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Though, honey it may seem impossible

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That's the gospel truth

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On Mount Olympus life was neat

And smooth as sweet vermouth

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Although, honey

it may seem impossible

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That's the gospel truth

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CHORUS: Ah, ah

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-Yeah, yeah

-Ah, ah

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Hey, hey, hey

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Ah, ah

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Hey, yeah

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(CHORUS HARMONISING)

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(CHATTERING)

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(GASPING) Hercules!

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(CHUCKLES) Behave yourself.

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(GURGLING)

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Look at this.

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Look how cute he is.

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-(BABBLING)

-(COOING)

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Hah!

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Oh, he's strong like his dad, hmm?

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Whoa! Excuse me! Hot stuff coming

through! Excuse me. One side, Ares.

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Why, Hermes, they're lovely.

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Yeah, you know,

I had Orpheus do the arrangement.

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Isn't that too nutty?

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Fabulous party. You know,

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I haven't seen this much love in a room

since Narcissus discovered himself.

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(KISSING SOUNDS)

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Dear, keep those away from the baby.

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He won't hurt himself.

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Let the kid have a little fun.

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(GODS GASPING)

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On behalf of my son,

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I want to thank you all

for your wonderful gifts!

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What about our gift, dear?

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Well, let's see here. We'll take...

Hmm, yes.

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A little cirrus

and, hmm, a touch of nimbostratus

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and a dash of cumulus.

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(SQUEAKS)

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(HONKS)

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His name is Pegasus,

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and he's all yours, son.

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(HIGH-PITCHED WHINNY)

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(GODS SIGHING)

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Mind his head.

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He's so tiny.

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(YAWNS)

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My boy.

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My little Hercules.

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HADES: How sentimental.

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You know,

I haven't been this choked up

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since I got a hunk of moussaka

caught in my throat! Huh?

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So is this an audience or a mosaic?

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Hey, how you doin'?

Lookin' good. Nice dress.

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So, Hades, you finally made it.

How are things in the underworld?

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Well, they're just fine.

You know, a little dark, a little gloomy.

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And, as always,

hey, full of dead people.

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What are you gonna do?

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There's the little sunspot.

Little snootchie.

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And here is a sucker

for the little sucker, eh?

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Here you go. Ya just...

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(GRUNTING)

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-Sheesh.

-(LAUGHING)

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Uh, powerful little tyke.

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Come on, Hades. Don't be such a stiff.

Join the celebration!

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Hey.

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Love to, babe, but unlike you gods

lounging about up here,

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I regrettably have a full-time gig

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that you, by the way,

so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus.

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So, can't. Love to, but can't.

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You ought to slow down.

You'll work yourself to death.

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Hah! Work yourself to death!

(LAUGHING)

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(CROWD LAUGHING)

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Oh, I kill myself!

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(FAKE LAUGH) If only. If only.

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If there's one god you don't want to

get steamed up, it's Hades.

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'Cause he had an evil plan.

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He ran the underworld

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But thought the dead

were dull and uncouth

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He was as mean as he was ruthless

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-And that's the gospel truth

-(GROWLING)

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He had a plan to shake things up

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And that's the gospel truth

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Pain!

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Coming, your most lugubriousness.

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Ow! (GRUNTING)

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(YELLS)

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Panic!

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I'm sorry. I can handle it!

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(YELLS)

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-Pain! Ohh!

-And Panic!

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-Reporting for duty!

-Reporting for duty!

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Fine, fine, fine.

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Just let me know

the instant the Fates arrive.

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Oh. They're here.

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What? The Fates are here,

and you didn't tell me?

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(BOTH WHIMPERING, GROANING)

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-We are worms! Worthless worms!

-We are worms! Worthless worms!

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Memo to me, memo to me.

Maim you after my meeting.

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Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life

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good and tight.

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(WOMAN SCREAMING)

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Incoming!

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(FATES LAUGHING)

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Ladies! Hah! I am so sorry that I'm...

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-Late!

-Late!

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-We knew you would be.

-We know everything.

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-Past.

-Present.

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And Future.

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Indoor plumbing, it's gonna be big.

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Great, great. Anyway, see, ladies,

I was at this party, and I lost track of...

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-TOGETHER: We know!

-Yeah. I know you know.

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So here's the deal. Zeus,

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Mr. High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey, you,

get off of my cloud, " now he has...

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-TOGETHER: A bouncing baby brat.

-We know!

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I know you know. I know.

I got it. I got the concept.

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So let me just ask.

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Is this kid gonna mess up

my hostile takeover bid, or what?

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What do you think?

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No, you don't.

We're not supposed to reveal the future.

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(SNIFFS)

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Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Time out. Can I...

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Can I ask you a question, by the way?

Are you...

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Did you cut your hair or something?

You look fabulous.

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I mean, you look like

a Fate worse than death.

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-(GROANS) Oh, gross!

-It's blinkin'!

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Ladies, please.

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My fate is in your lovely hands.

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-Oh, yeah!

-Oh, all right.

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In 18 years precisely,

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the planets will align ever so nicely.

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Ay, verse. Oy.

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The time to act will be at hand.

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Unleash the Titans,

your monstrous band.

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Mm-hmm. Good, good.

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Then the once-proud Zeus

will finally fall,

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and you, Hades, will rule all!

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Yes! Hades rules!

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A word of caution to this tale.

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Excuse me?

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Should Hercules fight, you will fail.

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(FATES CACKLING)

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What?

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Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine.

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(BELL DINGS)

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Pain? Panic? Got a little riddle for ya.

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How do you kill a god?

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-I do not know!

-You can't. They're immortal?

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Bingo! They're immortal.

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So, first you got to turn

the little sunspot mortal.

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(WHISTLING SNORES)

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(GLASS BREAKING)

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(PAIN, PANIC TITTERING)

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-What? What is it?

-Huh?

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-The baby!

-The baby!

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-(GASPING)

-(SPUTTERING)

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Hercules!

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Oh! (SOBBING)

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No!

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Now we did it!

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Zeus is gonna use us

for target practice!

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Just hang onto the kid, Panic.

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-(GRUNTING)

-(CRYING)

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Hurry!

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Let's just kill the kid

and get it over with, okay?

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Here you go, kid.

A little Grecian formula.

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Look at that! He's changing.

Can we do it now?

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No, he has to drink the whole potion.

Every last drop.

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AMPHITRYON: Who's there?

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(BOTH SCREAMING)

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-Alcmene, over here.

-(CRYING)

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(GASPS)

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You poor thing.

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-Oh, don't cry.

-Is anybody there?

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-Now?

-Now.

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(ALCMENE MUTTERING)

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Oh. Well,

he must have been abandoned.

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Amphitryon, for so many years

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we've prayed to the gods

to bless us with a child.

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-Perhaps they've answered our prayers.

-Perhaps they have.

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"Hercules"?

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(THUNDERCLAP)

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(GROWLING)

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(GIGGLING)

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(SNAKES SPUTTERING)

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(YELLING)

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(GIGGLING)

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Help, help, help!

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Hades is gonna kill us

when he finds out what happened.

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You mean, if he finds out.

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Of course he's gonna...

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If. If is good.

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MUSE: It was tragic.

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Zeus led all the gods

on a frantic search.

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But by the time they found the baby,

it was too late.

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Young Herc was mortal now

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But since he did not drink the last drop

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He still retained his godlike strength

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So thank his lucky stars

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Tell it, girl.

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But Zeus and Hera wept

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Because their son

could never come home

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They'd have to watch their precious

baby grow up from afar

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Though Hades' horrid plan

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Was hatched before

Herc cut his first tooth

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The boy grew stronger every day

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And that's the gospel truth

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The gospel truth

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-(SHEPHERD BELL CLANKING)

-(SHEEP BLEATING)

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(BRAYING)

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Hercules, slow down!

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Look out!

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(MEN GASPING)

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Sorry, guys.

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-Hey, watch where you're goin'.

-Sunday driver!

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(CROWD YELLING)

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Thanks, son.

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When old Penelope twisted her ankle

back there, I thought we were done for.

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No problem, Pop.

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Uh, don't unload just yet.

First, I have to finagle with Phideas.

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Okay.

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-(BRAYING)

-Oops.

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Sorry, Penelope.

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Now, Hercules, this time, please just...

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I know. I know.

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-Stay by the cart.

-(SIGHS)

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That's my boy.

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-(SIGHS)

-(MAN GROANING)

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Oh, my goodness. Whoa!

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-Careful!

-(SHUDDERS)

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-Why, thank you.

-No problem.

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Why, Hercules! (SPUTTERING)

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It's you!

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-Let me help you with that.

-No, no, no, no, no. I got it!

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(STRAINING) I'm fine.

You just run along.

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-Are you sure?

-Oh, yes.

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Absolutely.

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Yo! Give it here! (GASPS)

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Hey, you need an extra guy?

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Uh...

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Sorry, Herc.

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Uh, we already got five,

and we want to keep it an even number.

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Hey, wait a second. Five isn't an even...

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-See ya, Herc.

-What a geek!

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-Destructo Boy.

-Maybe we should call him "Jerkules."

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(LAUGHTER)

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BOY: Heads up!

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I got it!

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No! Stop!

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-(RUMBLING)

-Uh-oh.

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-(CROWD MURMURING)

-HERCULES: No.

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It's okay.

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(CROWD YELLING)

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Hey! Whoa!

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(SCREAMING)

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-Son!

-Hang on, Pop! Be right back!

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Oh, my! No! Don't! No, no, no, no!

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No, no, no, no, no, no!

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(YELLING)

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(SIGHS, CHUCKLES)

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-Watch out!

-(YELLS)

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(CRASHING)

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(CROWD MURMURING)

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Nice catch, Jerkules.

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-Son...

-(MAN SPUTTERING)

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This is the last straw, Amphitryon!

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That boy is a menace!

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He's too dangerous

to be around normal people!

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(CROWD GRUMBLING, MUTTERING)

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He didn't mean any harm.

He's just a kid.

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He just can't control his strength.

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I'm warning you.

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You keep that freak away from here!

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-BOY: Freak! Yeah, go away!

-(CROWD AGREEING)

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(SIGHS) Son, you shouldn't let those

things they said back there get to you.

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But, Pop, they're right. I am a freak.

I try to fit in. I really do.

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(SIGHS) I just can't.

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Sometimes I feel like

I really don't belong here,

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like I'm supposed to be someplace else.

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Hercules, son...

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I know it doesn't make any sense.

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I have often dreamed of a far off place

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Where a great, warm welcome

will be waiting for me

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Where the crowds will cheer

when they see my face

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And a voice keeps sayin'

this is where I'm meant to be

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I will find my way

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I can go the distance

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I'll be there someday

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If I can be strong

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I know every mile

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Will be worth my while

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I would go most anywhere to feel like I

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Belong

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Hercules,

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there's something your mother and I

have been meaning to tell ya.

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But if you found me,

then where did I come from?

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Why was I left here?

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This was around your neck

when we found you.

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It's the symbol of the gods.

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This is it! Don't you see?

Maybe they have the answers!

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I'll go to the temple of Zeus and...

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Ma, Pop,

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you're the greatest parents

anyone could have, but...

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I gotta know.

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(COCK CROWING)

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I am on my way

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I can go the distance

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I don't care how far

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Somehow, I'll be strong

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I know every mile

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Will be worth my while

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I would go most anywhere

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To find where I belong

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Oh, mighty Zeus,

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please, hear me and answer my prayer.

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I need to know.

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Who am I?

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Where do I belong?

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(WIND WHISTLING)

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Huh?

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(ROCK CREAKING)

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My boy.

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My little Hercules.

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-(CREAKING)

-Ahhhh!

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-(GRUNTING)

-Hey, hey, hey. Hold on, kiddo!

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What's your hurry?

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After all these years, is this the kind of

hello you give your father?

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Father?

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Didn't know you had a famous father,

did you?

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-Surprise!

-(COUGHING)

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Look how you've grown.

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Why, you've got your mother's

beautiful eyes and my strong chin. Hah!

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I don't understand.

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If you're my father,

that would make me a...

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-A god.

-A god.

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A god!

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Hey, you wanted answers,

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and by thunder, you're old enough

now to know the truth.

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But why did you leave me on Earth?

Didn't you want me?

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Of course we did.

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Your mother and I

loved you with all our hearts.

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Someone stole you from us

and turned you mortal,

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and only gods

can live on Mount Olympus.

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And you can't do a thing?

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I can't, Hercules, but you can.

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Really? What? I'll do anything.

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Hercules, if you can prove yourself

a true hero on Earth,

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your godhood will be restored!

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A true hero. Great!

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Exactly how do you

become a true hero?

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First, you must seek out Philoctetes,

the trainer of heroes.

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Seek out Philoctetes.

Right. I'll... Whoa!

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Whoa! Hold your horses!

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Which reminds me.

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(WHISTLES)

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(TRILLING WHISTLING)

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ZEUS: Ha ha!

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You probably don't remember Pegasus,

but you two go way back, son.

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(WHINNYING, SNIFFING)

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(GROANS)

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(LAUGHS)

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Oh, Pegasus!

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He's a magnificent horse

with the brain of a bird.

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(WHISTLING) Huh?

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I'll find Philoctetes

and become a true hero.

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That's the spirit!

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I won't let you down, Father!

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Yee-haw!

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Good luck, son.

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I will beat the odds

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I can go the distance

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I will face the world

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Fearless, proud and strong

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I will please the gods

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I can go the distance

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Till I find my hero's welcome

right where I

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Belong

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-(BIRDS SCREECHING)

-(WHINNYING)

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(GOAT BLEATING)

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(BLEATING)

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-(BLEATING)

-Whoa!

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You sure this is the right place?

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(WOMEN LAUGHING)

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(LAUGHTER ECHOES)

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(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

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(BLEATING)

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What's the matter, little guy?

You stuck?

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Hey, butt out, buddy!

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-Ugh!

-(ALL GASPING)

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Girls! Stop! Stop!

Come back, come back, come back.

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Whoa, whoa! Oh. Geez!

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Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, Nymphs!

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-They can't keep their hands off me.

-Hey!

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(GRUMBLING)

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What's the matter?

You never seen a satyr before?

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Uh, no. Can you help us?

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We're looking for someone

called Philoctetes.

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Call me Phil.

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-Phil!

-Ow!

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Boy, am I glad to meet you!

I'm Hercules.

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-(GRUNTS)

-This is Pegasus.

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Animals! Disgusting!

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-(SNORTS)

-I need your help.

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I want to become a hero, a true hero.

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-Sorry, kid. Can't help ya.

-Wait!

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Uh, sorry.

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-Why not?

-Two words, I am retired.

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Look, I gotta do this.

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Haven't you ever had a dream,

_________________________________

something you wanted so bad

you'd do anything?

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(SIGHS)

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Kid, come inside.

I want to show you something.

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(NEIGHING, GRUNTING)

_________________________________

Watch it!

That was part of the mast of the Argo.

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-The Argo?

-Yeah.

_________________________________

Who do you think

taught Jason how to sail?

_________________________________

Cleopatra?

_________________________________

I trained all those would-be heroes.

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Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus.

A lot of "yeuseus."

_________________________________

And every single one of those bums

let me down flatter than a discus.

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None of 'em could go the distance.

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And then there was Achilles.

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Now, there was a guy who had it all,

the build, the foot speed.

_________________________________

He could jab, he could take a hit,

he could keep on comin'.

_________________________________

But that furshlugginer heel of his!

_________________________________

He barely gets nicked there once

and kaboom!

_________________________________

He's history.

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(SIGHS)

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Yeah, I had a dream once.

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I dreamed I was gonna train

the greatest hero there ever was.

_________________________________

So great, the gods would hang a picture

of him in the stars all across the sky,

_________________________________

and people would say,

"That's Phil's boy."

_________________________________

That's right.

_________________________________

Eh, but dreams are for rookies.

_________________________________

A guy can only take

so much disappointment.

_________________________________

But I'm different than

those other guys, Phil!

_________________________________

I can go the distance.

Come on. I'll show you.

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(GRUNTS)

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-(WHINNYING)

-Geez! You don't give up, do ya?

_________________________________

Watch this.

_________________________________

(GRUNTING)

_________________________________

Holy Hera.

_________________________________

(MUTTERING) You know, maybe if I...

No! Snap out of it!

_________________________________

I'm too old

to get mixed up in this stuff again.

_________________________________

But if I don't become a true hero, I'll

never be able to rejoin my father, Zeus.

_________________________________

Hold it!

_________________________________

Zeus is your father, right?

_________________________________

-Uh-huh.

-(LAUGHING)

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Zeus. The big guy. He's your daddy.

(LAUGHING)

_________________________________

Mr. Lightning Bolts!

_________________________________

Read me a book, would ya, Da-da?

_________________________________

Zeus!

(MIMICS ZEUS) "Once upon a time..."

_________________________________

It's the truth!

_________________________________

Please!

_________________________________

So you wanna be a hero, kid

_________________________________

Well, whoop-de-do

_________________________________

I have been around the block before

_________________________________

With blockheads just like you

_________________________________

Each and every one a disappointment

_________________________________

Pain for which there ain't no ointment

_________________________________

So much for excuses

Though a kid of "Zeus" is

_________________________________
Askin' me to jump into the fray

_________________________________

My answer is two words

_________________________________

Okay.

_________________________________

-You mean you'll do it?

-You win.

_________________________________

-You won't be sorry, Phil.

-Oh, gods.

_________________________________

So when do we start?

Can we start now?

_________________________________

Oy vey.

_________________________________

I'd given up hope

that someone would come along

_________________________________

A fella who'd ring the bell for once

Not the gong

_________________________________

The kind who wins trophies

_________________________________

Won't settle for low fees

_________________________________

At least semipro fees

_________________________________

But, no, I get the greenhorn

_________________________________

I've been out to pasture, pal

My ambition gone

_________________________________

Content to spend lazy days

and to graze my lawn

_________________________________

But you need an advisor

_________________________________

A satyr, but wiser

_________________________________

A good merchandiser and... Whoa

_________________________________

There goes my ulcer

_________________________________

I'm down to one last hope

and I hope it's you

_________________________________

Though, kid, you're not exactly

a dream come true

_________________________________

I trained enough turkeys

Who never came through

_________________________________

You're my one last hope

So you'll have to do

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Rule number six.

_________________________________

When rescuing a damsel...

(SHRILL WHISTLE)

_________________________________

...always handle with care.

_________________________________

(GRUNTS)

_________________________________

No!

_________________________________

Rule number 95, kid. Concentrate!

_________________________________

Rule number 96.

_________________________________

Aim!

_________________________________

Demigods have faced the odds

And ended up a mockery

_________________________________

Don't believe the stories

That you read on all the crockery

_________________________________
To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art

_________________________________

Like paintin' a masterpiece

_________________________________

It's a work of heart

_________________________________

It takes more than sinew

_________________________________

Comes down to what's in you

_________________________________

You have to continue to grow

_________________________________

Now, that's more like it!

_________________________________

I'm down to one last shot

And my last high note

_________________________________

Before that blasted underworld

gets my goat

_________________________________

My dreams are on you, kid

_________________________________

Go make 'em come true

_________________________________

Climb that uphill slope

_________________________________
Keep pushin' that envelope

_________________________________

You're my one last hope

_________________________________

And, kid, it's up to you

_________________________________
Yeah!

_________________________________

(HERCULES LAUGHING)

_________________________________

Did you see that?

_________________________________

Next stop, Olympus.

_________________________________

All right, just take it easy, champ.

_________________________________

I am ready. I want to get off this island.

_________________________________

I want to see battles and monsters.

_________________________________

-Rescue some damsels.

-(WHINNYING SIGH)

_________________________________

You know, heroic stuff.

_________________________________

-Well...

-Aw, come on! Phil!

_________________________________

Well, okay. Okay, you want a road test?

Saddle up, kid.

_________________________________

We're going to Thebes!

_________________________________

-HERCULES: So what's in Thebes?

-A lot of problems.

_________________________________

It's a big, tough town.

Good place to start buildin' a rep.

_________________________________

-(WOMAN SCREAMING)

-(WHINNYING)

_________________________________

Sounds like your basic DID,

Damsel in Distress.

_________________________________

-(GASPING)

-(EVIL LAUGHTER)

_________________________________

Not so fast, sweetheart.

_________________________________

I swear, Nessus. Put me down or I'll...

_________________________________

Whoo! I like 'em fiery!

_________________________________

-(GASPS)

-Now, remember, kid.

_________________________________

First, analyse the situation.

_________________________________

Don't just barrel in there

without thinking.

_________________________________

-(NESSUS GROWLING)

-He's losin' points for this!

_________________________________

-You don't know what you're...

-Halt!

_________________________________

Step aside, two legs.

_________________________________

Pardon me, my good sir.

_________________________________

I'll have to ask you to

release that young...

_________________________________

-Keep movin', junior.

-Lady.

_________________________________

But you...

Aren't you a damsel in distress?

_________________________________

I'm a damsel, I'm in distress.

_________________________________

I can handle this. Have a nice day.

_________________________________

Uh. (CLEARS THROAT)

_________________________________

Ma'am, I'm afraid you may be

too close to the situation to realize...

_________________________________

Ohhh!

_________________________________

-What are you doin'? Get your sword!

-Sword. Right, right.

_________________________________

Rule number 15,

a hero is only as good as his weapon!

_________________________________

(LAUGHING)

_________________________________

(FISH SHRIEKING)

_________________________________

(GROANS)

_________________________________

Whoa! Hold it! Hold on!

He's gotta do it on his own.

_________________________________

Come on, kid! Concentrate!

_________________________________

-Use your head!

-(WHINNYING)

_________________________________

Oh.

_________________________________

(GROWLING)

_________________________________

All right! Not bad, kid!

_________________________________

Not exactly what I had in mind,

but not bad.

_________________________________

(GROANS, COUGHS)

_________________________________

Oh, gee, miss, I'm really sorry.

That was dumb.

_________________________________

-Yeah.

-(SPLASHING)

_________________________________

Excuse me.

_________________________________

Nice work! Excelente!

_________________________________

Is Wonderboy here for real?

_________________________________

What are you talkin' about?

Of course he's real.

_________________________________

Whoa!

_________________________________

And by the way, sweet cheeks,

I'm real, too.

_________________________________

-(KISSING SOUNDS)

-Ugh!

_________________________________

Yee-hah! Yahoo!

_________________________________

Whoa!

_________________________________

(PUFFS)

_________________________________

(WHISTLING)

_________________________________

-How was that, Phil?

-Rein it in, rookie.

_________________________________

You can get away with mistakes

like those in the minor decathlons,

_________________________________

but this is the big leagues!

_________________________________

At least I beat him, didn't I?

_________________________________

Next time, don't let your guard down

because of a pair of big goo-goo eyes!

_________________________________

It's like I keep tellin' ya.

You gotta stay focused, and... You...

_________________________________

(WHINNYING)

_________________________________

-(SNORTING)

-(BLEATING)

_________________________________

Are you all right, Miss...

_________________________________

Megara. My friends call me Meg.

At least, they would if I had any friends.

_________________________________

So did they give you a name

along with all those rippling pectorals?

_________________________________

(SHY CHUCKLE)

Uh, I'm, um, uh...

_________________________________

(STAMMERING)

_________________________________

Are you always this articulate?

_________________________________

Hercules. My... (CLEARS THROAT)

My name is Hercules.

_________________________________

Hercules. I think I prefer Wonderboy.

_________________________________

So, how'd you get mixed up with the...

_________________________________

Pinhead with hooves?

Well, you know how men are.

_________________________________

They think that "No" means "Yes, " and

"Get lost" means "Take me, I'm yours."

_________________________________

(CONFUSED WHINNY)

_________________________________

Don't worry.

Shorty here can explain it to ya later.

_________________________________

(GROWLING)

_________________________________

Well, thanks for everything, Herc.

It's been a real slice.

_________________________________

Wait! Can we give you a ride?

_________________________________

(SNORTING, WHINNYING)

_________________________________

I don't think

your pinto likes me very much.

_________________________________

Pegasus? Oh, no. Don't be silly.

He'd be more than happy to... Ow.

_________________________________

(WHISTLING)

_________________________________

I'll be all right. I'm a big, tough girl.

I tie my own sandals and everything.

_________________________________

Bye-bye, Wonderboy.

_________________________________

Bye.

_________________________________

-She's something. Isn't she, Phil?

-(GROWLS)

_________________________________

Yeah. Yeah. She's really something.

_________________________________

A real pain in the patella!

_________________________________

Earth to Herc!

Come in, Herc! Come in, Herc!

_________________________________

We got a job to do, remember?

(WHISTLES)

_________________________________

Thebes is still waitin'.

_________________________________

HERCULES: Yeah. Yeah. I know.

_________________________________

(ANIMALS TITTERING)

_________________________________

(GASPS)

_________________________________

Aw... How cute.

_________________________________

A couple of rodents

looking for a theme park.

_________________________________

Who you callin' a rodent, sister?

I'm a bunny!

_________________________________

And I'm his gopher.

_________________________________

TOGETHER: Ta-da!

_________________________________

I thought I smelled a rat.

_________________________________

HADES: Meg?

_________________________________

Speak of the devil.

_________________________________

Meg, my little flower, my little bird,

my little nut, Meg.

_________________________________

What exactly happened here?

_________________________________

I thought you were gonna

persuade the river guardian

_________________________________

to join my team for the uprising,

_________________________________

and here I am,

kind of river guardian-less.

_________________________________

I gave it my best shot,

but he made me an offer I had to refuse.

_________________________________

Fine. So, instead of subtracting

two years from your sentence,

_________________________________

hey, I'm gonna add two on, okay?

_________________________________

Give that your best shot.

_________________________________

It wasn't my fault.

It was this wonderboy, Hercules.

_________________________________

Hercules?

Why does that name ring a bell?

_________________________________

I don't know.

Maybe we owe him money?

_________________________________

-What was that name again?

-Hercules.

_________________________________

He comes on with

this big, innocent farm boy routine,

_________________________________

but I could see through that

in a Peloponnesian minute.

_________________________________

Wait a minute.

_________________________________

Wasn't Hercules the name

of that kid we were supposed to...

_________________________________

-Oh, my gods!

-Oh, my gods!

_________________________________

-Run for it!

-(SCREAMING)

_________________________________

So you took care of him, huh?

_________________________________

Dead as a door nail.

_________________________________

Weren't those your exact words?

_________________________________

This might be a different Hercules.

_________________________________

Yeah! I mean, Hercules

is a very popular name nowadays!

_________________________________

Remember, like, a few years ago,

every other boy was named Jason,

_________________________________

and the girls were all named Brittany?

_________________________________

I'm about to rearrange the cosmos,

_________________________________

and the one schlemiel who can louse

it up is waltzing around in the woods!

_________________________________

(PANTING)

_________________________________

Wait. Wait, big guy.

_________________________________

-We can still cut in on his waltzing.

-That's right!

_________________________________

And at least we made him mortal.

That's a good thing.

_________________________________

Didn't we?

_________________________________

Hmm.

_________________________________

Fortunately for the three of you,

_________________________________

we still have time to correct

this rather egregious oversight.

_________________________________

And this time, no foul-ups.

_________________________________

Wow!

_________________________________

-Is that all one town?

-One town, a million troubles.

_________________________________

The one and only Thebes.

The Big Olive itself.

_________________________________

If you can make it there,

you can make it anywhere.

_________________________________

(CROWD BUSTLING)

_________________________________

(BELL DINGS)

_________________________________

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

_________________________________

Stick with me, kid.

This city is a dangerous place.

_________________________________

-Look where you're goin', numbskull!

-Hey, I'm walkin' here!

_________________________________

You see what I mean?

I'm tellin' you, wackos.

_________________________________

MAN: Pitta bread. Pitta bread.

Get your pitta bread here.

_________________________________

Hey, Mack.

_________________________________

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

_________________________________

-You wanna buy a sundial?

-He's not interested, all right?

_________________________________

Come on, kid.

_________________________________

The end is coming! Can't you feel it?

_________________________________

Yes, yes. Thank you for the info. Yes.

We'll ponder that for a while.

_________________________________

Just stare at the sidewalk. Come on.

_________________________________

Don't make eye contact.

People here are nuts.

_________________________________

That's because

they live in a city of turmoil.

_________________________________

Trust me, kid.

_________________________________

You're gonna be

just what the doctor ordered.

_________________________________

It was tragic!

We lost everything in the fire.

_________________________________

Everything except old Snowball here.

_________________________________

(WEAK MEOW)

_________________________________

Now, were the fires

before or after the earthquake?

_________________________________

They were after the earthquake.

I remember.

_________________________________

But before the flood.

_________________________________

Don't even get me started

on the crime rate.

_________________________________

Thebes has certainly

gone downhill in a hurry.

_________________________________

OLD MAN: Tell me about it.

_________________________________

It seems like every time I turn around,

_________________________________

there's some new monster

wreaking havoc and I...

_________________________________

All we need now is a plague of locusts.

_________________________________

-(CHIRPING)

-(CROWD SCREAMING)

_________________________________

That's it! I'm movin' to Sparta!

_________________________________

HERCULES: Excuse me.

_________________________________

It, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

_________________________________

...seems to me that what

you folks need is a hero.

_________________________________

Yeah, and who are you?

_________________________________

I'm Hercules, and I happen to be a hero.

_________________________________

(CROWD LAUGHING)

_________________________________

-Is that so?

-WOMAN: (LAUGHING) A hero!

_________________________________

-Have you ever saved a town before?

-Uh, no. Not exactly, but I...

_________________________________

Have you ever

reversed a natural disaster?

_________________________________

Well, uh, no.

_________________________________

Listen to this.

He's just another chariot chaser.

_________________________________

-This we need.

-WOMAN: That's a laugh.

_________________________________

-Don't you pea brains get it?

-WOMAN: Hmm?

_________________________________

This kid is the genuine article.

_________________________________

Hey, isn't that the goat-man

who trained Achilles?

_________________________________

Watch it, pal.

_________________________________

Yeah, you're right.

_________________________________

Hey, nice job on those heels!

_________________________________

Ya missed a spot! (LAUGHING)

_________________________________

I got your heel right here!

_________________________________

I'll wipe that stupid grin

off your face! You...

_________________________________

Hey, Phil! Phil! Phil! Take it easy. Phil.

_________________________________

What are you, crazy? Sheesh!

_________________________________

Young man, we need

a professional hero, not an amateur.

_________________________________

Well, wait. Stop!

_________________________________

(SIGHS)

_________________________________

How am I supposed to prove myself

a hero if nobody will give me a chance?

_________________________________

You'll get your chance.

_________________________________

You just need some kind of

catastrophe or disaster.

_________________________________

MEG: (PANTING) Please.

_________________________________

Help! Please!

There's been a terrible accident!

_________________________________

-Meg?

-Speakin' of disasters.

_________________________________

Wonderboy! Hercules!

Thank goodness!

_________________________________

What's wrong?

_________________________________

Outside of town, two little boys.

They were playing in the gorge.

_________________________________

There was this terrible rockslide.

_________________________________

-They're trapped!

-Kids? Trapped?

_________________________________

Phil, this is great!

_________________________________

You're really choked up about this,

aren't ya?

_________________________________

Come on!

_________________________________

No, I... You don't...

I have this terrible fear of heights!

_________________________________

-(GROANS)

-(SNICKERS)

_________________________________

-(PANTING)

-(CROWD CHATTERING)

_________________________________

I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo!

_________________________________

I'm way behind ya, kid.

_________________________________

(SPUTTERING) I got a fur wedgie.

_________________________________

-(WHINNYING)

-(MEG GASPING)

_________________________________

-(TRILLING WHISTLE)

-(GROANING)

_________________________________

-Are you okay?

-I'll be fine.

_________________________________

Just get me down

before I ruin the upholstery.

_________________________________

BOY 1: Help! I can't breathe!

BOY 2: (COUGHING) Hurry!

_________________________________

-Get us out!

-We're suffocating!

_________________________________

Somebody call IX-I-I! (COUGHING)

_________________________________

Easy, fellas. You'll be all right.

_________________________________
-We can't last much longer!

-Get us out before we get crushed!

_________________________________

(GRUNTING)

_________________________________

(LIGHT APPLAUSE)

_________________________________

-How you boys doin'?

-We're okay now.

_________________________________

Jeepers, mister. You're really strong.

_________________________________

Well, try to be a little more careful

next time, okay, kids?

_________________________________

We sure will.

_________________________________

HADES: A stirring performance, boys.

_________________________________

I was really moved. (SLURPING)

_________________________________

"Jeepers, mister"?

_________________________________

I was going for innocence.

_________________________________

And, hey, two thumbs

way, way up for our leading lady.

_________________________________

What a dish. What a doll.

_________________________________

Get outta there, you big lug,

while you still can.

_________________________________

(PANTING) Phil, I did great.

_________________________________

They even applauded, sort of.

_________________________________

-(GROWLING)

-Huh!

_________________________________

I hate to burst your bubble, kid,

but that ain't applause.

_________________________________

(GROWLING)

_________________________________

Phil? What do you call that thing?

_________________________________

PHIL: Two words.

_________________________________

(THUNDERING ROAR)

_________________________________

Am-scray!

_________________________________

-(MONSTER HISSING)

-(CROWD SCREAMING)

_________________________________

(ECHOING) Let's get ready to rumble!

_________________________________

That's it. Dance around! Dance around!

_________________________________

Watch the teeth. Watch the teeth.

Keep going. Come on. Come on.

_________________________________

Lead with your left.

Lead with your left! Your other left!

_________________________________

(MONSTER SNARLING)

_________________________________

(LAUGHING)

_________________________________

Whoa! (YELLING)

_________________________________

-(SWALLOWS HARD)

-(GROANING)

_________________________________

(LOUD BURP)

_________________________________

-(GROANS)

-(CROWD MUTTERING)

_________________________________

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

_________________________________

(ROARING)

_________________________________

(LOUD APPLAUSE)

_________________________________

All right! All right! You're bad! Okay!

_________________________________

See, Phil? That... That wasn't so hard.

_________________________________

Kid, kid, kid.

_________________________________

How many horns do ya see?

_________________________________

Six?

_________________________________

Eh, close enough.

Let's get you cleaned up.

_________________________________

(NERVOUS MUTTERING)

_________________________________

(GULPS)

_________________________________

Guys, guys, relax.

_________________________________

It's only half-time.

_________________________________

(FAINT RUMBLING)

_________________________________

That doesn't sound good.

_________________________________

(ROARING)

_________________________________

Definitely not good!

_________________________________

(MONSTER HISSING)

_________________________________

(WHISTLING)

_________________________________

(YELLING)

_________________________________

Whoa! Whoa!

_________________________________

Will you forget the head-slicing thing?

_________________________________

Hyah!

_________________________________

(YELLING)

_________________________________

Phil, I don't think we covered

this one in basic training!

_________________________________

(YELLING)

_________________________________

(MONSTER HISSING)

_________________________________

My favourite part of the game,

_________________________________

-(ROARING)

-(GROANING)

_________________________________

sudden death.

_________________________________

-(GRUNTS)

-(ROCK CREAKING)

_________________________________

ALL: Huh?

_________________________________

(CROWD GASPING)

_________________________________

Oh!

_________________________________

There goes another one.

Just like Achilles.

_________________________________

Game.

_________________________________

Set.

_________________________________

Match.

_________________________________

-(GROANS)

-(ROCK CREAKING)

_________________________________

(CROWD GASPING)

_________________________________

(CHEERING)

_________________________________

Phil, you gotta admit.

That was pretty heroic.

_________________________________

Ya did it, kid! Ya did it!

You won by a landslide!

_________________________________

(STRAINING)

_________________________________

Hades mad.

_________________________________

(YELLING)

_________________________________

Well, what do ya know?

_________________________________

From that day forward,

our boy Hercules could do no wrong.

_________________________________

He was so hot, steam looked cool.

_________________________________

Oh, yeah

_________________________________

Bless my soul

Herc was on a roll

_________________________________

Person of the week

in every Greek opinion poll

_________________________________

-What a pro

-Herc could stop a show

_________________________________

Point him at a monster

and you're talkin' SRO

_________________________________

-He was a no one

-A zero, zero

_________________________________

-Now he's a honcho

-He's a hero

_________________________________

Here was a kid with his act down pat

_________________________________

Zero to hero in no time flat

_________________________________
-Zero to hero

-Just like that (SNAPS)

_________________________________

When he smiled the girls went wild

_________________________________

With oohs and aahs

_________________________________

And they slapped his face

on every vase

_________________________________

On every "vahse"

_________________________________

From appearance fees and royalties

_________________________________

Our Herc had cash to burn

_________________________________

Now nouveau riche and famous

_________________________________

He could tell you what's a Grecian urn

_________________________________

Say amen, there he goes again

_________________________________

-Sweet and undefeated

-And an awesome 10-for-10

_________________________________

Folks lined up just to watch him flex

_________________________________

And this perfect package

packed a pair of pretty pecs

_________________________________

Hercie, he comes

he sees, he conquers

_________________________________

Honey, the crowds were goin' bonkers

_________________________________

He showed the moxie

brains and spunk

_________________________________

Yeah

_________________________________

-From zero to hero

-A major hunk

_________________________________

-Zero to hero

-And who'd have thunk?

_________________________________

Who put the glad in gladiator?

_________________________________

Hercules

_________________________________

Who's darin' deeds are great theatre?

_________________________________

Hercules

_________________________________

-Isn't he bold?

-No one braver

_________________________________

-Is he sweet?

-Our favourite flavour

_________________________________

Hercules

_________________________________

My man.

_________________________________

-Hercules

-Hercules

_________________________________

Hercules

_________________________________

-Hercules

-Look at my Hercules

_________________________________

-Hercules, Hercules

-Yeah, yeah, yeah

_________________________________

Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll

_________________________________

-Undefeated

-Riding high

_________________________________

And the nicest guy.

_________________________________

Not conceited

_________________________________

-He was a nothing

-Zero, zero

_________________________________

-Now he's a honcho

-He's our hero

_________________________________

He hit the heights at breakneck speed

_________________________________

-From zero to hero

-(GRUNTING)

_________________________________

Herc is a hero

_________________________________

Now he's a hero

_________________________________

Yes, indeed

_________________________________

(GRUNTING, PANTING)

_________________________________

Pull!

_________________________________

Nice shootin', Rex.

_________________________________

I can't believe this guy.

_________________________________

I throw everything I've got at him

and it doesn't even...

_________________________________

(RUBBER SQUEAKING)

_________________________________

What are those?

_________________________________

Um, I don't know.

I thought they looked kinda dashing.

_________________________________

I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo,

_________________________________

or the entire scheme I've been setting

up for 18 years goes up in smoke,

_________________________________

and you are wearing his merchandise!

_________________________________

(SLURPING)

_________________________________

(CHUCKLES)

_________________________________

Thirsty?

_________________________________

(YELL ECHOING)

_________________________________

(BOTH GROANING)

_________________________________

(CHUCKLES)

_________________________________

Looks like your game's over.

_________________________________

Wonderboy is hitting

every curve you throw at him.

_________________________________

Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLES)

_________________________________

I wonder if maybe

_________________________________

I haven't been throwing

the right curves at him, Meg, my sweet.

_________________________________

Don't even go there.

_________________________________

See, he's gotta have a weakness

because everybody's got a weakness.

_________________________________

I mean, for what?

Pandora, it was the box thing.

_________________________________

For the Trojans, hey.

They bet on the wrong horse, okay?

_________________________________

We simply need to

find out Wonderboy's.

_________________________________

I've done my part. Get your little imps...

_________________________________

They couldn't handle him as a baby.

_________________________________

I need somebody

who can handle him as a man.

_________________________________

Hey, I've sworn off manhandling.

_________________________________

That's good because that's what

got you into this jam in the first place.

_________________________________

You sold your soul to me

to save your boyfriend's life.

_________________________________

And how does this creep thank you?

_________________________________

By running off with some babe.

_________________________________

He hurt you real bad,

didn't he, Meg, huh?

_________________________________

Look, I learned my lesson, okay?

_________________________________

Which is exactly why I got a feelin'

you're gonna leap at my new offer.

_________________________________

You give me the key

to bringing down Wonder Breath,

_________________________________

and I give you the thing that

you crave most in the entire cosmos,

_________________________________

your freedom.

_________________________________

(URN SHATTERS)

_________________________________

(HERCULES LAUGHING)

_________________________________

You should have been there, Father.

_________________________________

I mangled the Minotaur,

grappled with the Gorgon.

_________________________________

Just like Phil told me.

_________________________________

I analysed the situation,

controlled my strength and kicked.

_________________________________

The crowds went wild!

_________________________________

-(SIMULATES CROWD CHEERING)

-(WHISTLING)

_________________________________

Thank you. Thank you.

_________________________________

Hah!

_________________________________

You're doin' great, son.

You're doing your old man proud.

_________________________________

I'm glad to hear you say that, Father.

_________________________________

I've been waiting for this day

a long time.

_________________________________

Hmm. What day is that, son?

_________________________________

The day I rejoin the gods.

_________________________________

You've done wonderfully.

You really have, my boy.

_________________________________

You're just not there yet.

_________________________________

You haven't proven yourself a true hero.

_________________________________

But, Father, I've beaten every single

monster I've come up against.

_________________________________

I'm the most famous person

in all of Greece.

_________________________________

-I'm an action figure!

-(SQUEAKING)

_________________________________

I'm afraid being famous

isn't the same as being a true hero.

_________________________________

What more can I do?

_________________________________

It's something

you have to discover for yourself.

_________________________________

-But how can I...

-Look inside your heart.

_________________________________

Father, wait!

_________________________________

(GRUNTING)

_________________________________

-(WHINNYING)

-(SIGHS)

_________________________________

On your left is Hercules' villa.

_________________________________

Our next stop is

the Pecs and Flex Gift Shop

_________________________________

where you can pick up

_________________________________

the great hero's 30-minute

workout scroll Buns of Bronze.

_________________________________

At 1:00,

you got a meeting with King Augeas.

_________________________________

He's got a problem with his stables.

_________________________________

I'd advise you

not to wear your new sandals.

_________________________________

-Phil?

-I told you, don't move!

_________________________________

PHIL: DGR, the Daughters of

the Greek Revolution.

_________________________________

-Phil.

-At 3:00,

_________________________________

you gotta get a girdle

from some Amazons.

_________________________________

Phil, what's the point?

_________________________________

(SCREAMING)

_________________________________

That's it!

_________________________________

Keep your toga on, pal.

_________________________________

(GRUNTS)

_________________________________

Yuck!

_________________________________

What d'you mean, "What's the point?"

_________________________________

You wanna go to Olympus, don't ya?

_________________________________

Yeah, but this stuff doesn't seem

to be getting me anywhere.

_________________________________

You can't give up now.

I'm countin' on ya.

_________________________________

I gave this everything I had.

_________________________________

Listen to me, kid. I seen 'em all.

_________________________________

And I am tellin' you,

and this is the honest-to-Zeus truth,

_________________________________

-you got somethin' I never seen before.

-Really?

_________________________________

I can feel it right down

to these stubby bowlegs of mine.

_________________________________

There is nothin' you can't do, kid.

_________________________________

-(DOOR OPENING)

-(GIRLS SCREAMING)

_________________________________

It's him!

_________________________________

Hey, watch it! Watch it! Watch...

_________________________________

-I touched his elbow!

-I got his sweatband!

_________________________________

-(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

-(GRUNTING) Phil, help!

_________________________________

-Okay. Escape plan, beta.

-Gotcha.

_________________________________

-(BLOWING WHISTLE)

-Hey. Where is he?

_________________________________

There he goes! On the veranda!

_________________________________

-(SCREAMING)

-Whoa!

_________________________________

(CHUCKLES)

_________________________________

Let's see.

_________________________________

What could be behind

curtain number one?

_________________________________

Meg!

_________________________________

(CHUCKLES) It's all right.

The sea of raging hormones has ebbed.

_________________________________

Gee, it's great to see you.

_________________________________

I missed you.

_________________________________

So this is what heroes do

on their days off.

_________________________________

(BASHFUL CHUCKLE) I'm no hero.

_________________________________

Sure ya are. Everybody in Greece

_________________________________

thinks you're the greatest thing

since they put the pocket in pitta.

_________________________________

(CHUCKLES) I know. It's crazy.

_________________________________

You know, I can't go anywhere

without being mobbed.

_________________________________

-I mean...

-You sound like you could use a break.

_________________________________

-Think your nanny goat would go...

-(BLEATING SQUEAK)

_________________________________

...berserk if you played hooky

this afternoon?

_________________________________

Oh, gee. I don't know.

_________________________________

Phil's got the rest of the day

pretty much booked.

_________________________________

Ah, Phil, schmill. Just follow me.

_________________________________

Out the window, round the dumbbells,

you lift up the back wall and we're gone.

_________________________________

(CHIRPING)

_________________________________

(LAUGHTER)

_________________________________

HERCULES: Wow. What a day.

_________________________________

First, that restaurant by the bay,

and then that play, that Oedipus thing.

_________________________________

Man! I thought I had problems.

_________________________________

-(LAUGHING, CLEARS THROAT)

-(LAUGHING)

_________________________________

-Psst! Stop foolin' around!

-Yeah. Get the goods, sister.

_________________________________

I didn't know that

playing hooky could be so much fun.

_________________________________

-Yeah. Neither did I.

-Thanks, Meg.

_________________________________

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

_________________________________

Don't thank me just yet.

_________________________________

Oh!

_________________________________

Oop. Careful.

_________________________________

Sorry. Weak ankles.

_________________________________

Oh, yeah? Well,

maybe you better sit down for a while.

_________________________________

So, uh, do you have any problems

with things like this?

_________________________________

Uh...

_________________________________

Weak ankles, I mean.

_________________________________

Oh, no. Not really.

_________________________________

No weaknesses whatsoever?

_________________________________

No trick knee?

_________________________________

Ruptured disks?

_________________________________

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE, GULPS)

_________________________________

No. I'm afraid I'm, uh, fit as a fiddle.

_________________________________

(SIGHS) Wonderboy, you are perfect.

_________________________________

(CHUCKLES) Thanks.

_________________________________

-(CRASHING, SPLASHING)

-Whoops!

_________________________________

It looks better that way.

_________________________________

No, it really does.

_________________________________

(SIGHS) You know, when I was a kid,

_________________________________
I would have given anything

to be exactly like everybody else.

_________________________________

(SCOFFS) You wanted to be

petty and dishonest?

_________________________________

Everybody's not like that.

_________________________________

Yes, they are.

_________________________________

You're not like that.

_________________________________

How do you know what I'm like?

_________________________________

All I know is you're the most amazing

person with weak ankles I've ever met.

_________________________________

(CHUCKLES)

_________________________________

Oh!

_________________________________

Meg, when I'm with you,

I don't feel so alone.

_________________________________

Sometimes it's better to be alone.

_________________________________

What do you mean?

_________________________________

Nobody can hurt you.

_________________________________

Meg?

_________________________________

I would never, ever hurt you.

_________________________________

And I don't wanna hurt you, so let's both

do ourselves a favour and stop this

_________________________________

before we...

_________________________________

PHIL: All right! Break it up! Break it up!

Party's over!

_________________________________

-I been lookin' all over this town!

-Calm down, mutton man.

_________________________________

It was all my fault.

_________________________________

You're already on my list, sister,

so don't make it worse!

_________________________________

-(SNORTING)

-(SNORTS BACK)

_________________________________

And as for you, ya bum,

you're gonna go to the stadium

_________________________________

and you're gonna be put through

the workout of your life!

_________________________________

-Now get on the horse.

-Okay, okay.

_________________________________

-I'm sorry.

-Ah, he'll get over it.

_________________________________

PHIL: Move!

Move, move, move, move, move! Move!

_________________________________

-(NEIGHING)

-Whoo! Yahee!

_________________________________

Hey, watch it, watch it! Watch it!

Keep your goo-goo eyes on the...

_________________________________

That's it. Next time, I drive.

_________________________________

Oh, what's the matter with me?

_________________________________

You'd think a girl would learn.

_________________________________

If there's a prize for rotten judgment

_________________________________

I guess I've already won that

_________________________________

No man is worth the aggravation

_________________________________

That's ancient history

Been there, done that

_________________________________

Who d'ya think you're kidding

He's the Earth and heaven to you

_________________________________

Try to keep it hidden

Honey, we can see right through you

_________________________________

-Oh, no

-Girl, you can't conceal it

_________________________________

We know how you feel

and who you're thinkin' of

_________________________________

No chance, no way

I won't say it, no, no

_________________________________

You swoon, you sigh

Why deny it? Uh-oh

_________________________________

It's too cliché, I won't say I'm in love

_________________________________

Shoo-doo, shoo-doo

Oooooo

_________________________________

I thought my heart

had learned its lesson

_________________________________

It feels so good when you start out

_________________________________

My head is screaming

"Get a grip, girl"

_________________________________

Unless you're dyin'

To cry your heart out

_________________________________

You keep on denying

Who you are and how you're feelin'

_________________________________

Baby, we're not buyin'

Hon, we saw you hit the ceilin'

_________________________________

Face it like a grown-up

When you gonna own up that you

_________________________________

-Got

-Got it bad?

_________________________________

Oh, no chance, no way

I won't say it, no, no

_________________________________

-Give up, but give in

-Check the grin, you're in love

_________________________________

This scene won't play

I won't say I'm in love

_________________________________
You're doing flips

Read our lips

_________________________________

You're in love

_________________________________

You're way off base

I won't say I'm it

_________________________________

She won't say in love

_________________________________

Get off my case, I won't say it

_________________________________

Girl, don't be proud

It's okay, you're in love

_________________________________

Oh

_________________________________

At least out loud

_________________________________

I won't say I'm in

_________________________________

-Love

-Shoo-doo, shoo-doo

_________________________________

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

_________________________________

Ah

_________________________________

Hey, what's the buzz, huh, Meg?

_________________________________

What is the weak link

in Wonderboy's chain?

_________________________________

Get yourself another girl. I'm through.

_________________________________

I'm sorry. Do you mind

runnin' that by me again?

_________________________________

I must have had a chunk of brimstone

wedged in my ear or something.

_________________________________

Then read my lips! Forget it.

_________________________________

Meg, Meg, Meg,

my sweet, deluded little minion.

_________________________________

Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy,

but ever so crucial little, tiny detail?

_________________________________

I own you!

_________________________________

(GROANING)

_________________________________

-I got another horn here.

-HADES: You work for me.

_________________________________

That kid's gonna be

doin' laps for a month.

_________________________________

HADES: If I say, "Sing, " you say,

"Hey, name that tune."

_________________________________

If I say, "I want Wonderboy's head

on a platter, " you say...

_________________________________

Medium or well-done.

_________________________________

Oh! I knew that dame was trouble.

This is gonna break the kid's heart.

_________________________________

-MEG: I'll work on that.

-I'm sorry. You hear that sound?

_________________________________

That's the sound of your freedom

fluttering out the window forever.

_________________________________

(COUGHING) I don't care.

I'm not gonna help you hurt him.

_________________________________

I can't believe you're

getting so worked up about some guy.

_________________________________

This one is different.

He's honest, and he's sweet...

_________________________________

Please!

_________________________________

-He would never do anything to hurt me.

-He's a guy!

_________________________________

Besides, O oneness,

you can't beat him.

_________________________________

He has no weaknesses. He's gonna...

_________________________________

I think he does, Meg.

_________________________________

I truly think he does.

_________________________________

(HERCULES GRUNTING, STRAINING)

_________________________________

Ha ha!

_________________________________

-(SIGHING)

-(GRUNTING, STRAINING)

_________________________________

Whoo-hoo!

_________________________________

Hey, Phil! What happened to you?

_________________________________

Kid, we gotta talk.

_________________________________

Phil, I just had

the greatest day of my life!

_________________________________

I can't stop thinking about Meg.

_________________________________

(SIGHING) She's something else.

_________________________________

Kid, I'm tryin' to talk to ya!

Will you come down here and listen?

_________________________________

Aw, how can I come down there

when I'm feeling so up?

_________________________________

(WHISTLING)

_________________________________

(CLEARS THROAT, CLICKS TONGUE)

_________________________________

Gotcha!

_________________________________

Ah, very nice! What I'm tryin' to say is...

_________________________________

That if it wasn't for you,

I never would have met her.

_________________________________

Oh, I owe ya big time.

_________________________________

Will you just knock it off

for a couple of seconds?

_________________________________

Rule number 38. Come on, Phil.

Keep them up there, huh?

_________________________________

-Phil, I got two words for ya, duck!

-Listen to me! She's...

_________________________________

-A dream come true?

-Not exactly.

_________________________________

-More beautiful than Aphrodite?

-Aside from that!

_________________________________

-The most wonderful...

-She's a fraud!

_________________________________

She's been playin' ya for a sap!

_________________________________

-Aw, come on. Stop kiddin' around.

-I'm not kiddin' around.

_________________________________

I know you're upset about today,

but that's no reason to...

_________________________________

Kid, you're missin' the point.

_________________________________

-The point is, I love her.

-She don't love you.

_________________________________

-You're crazy.

-She's nothin' but a two-timin'...

_________________________________

-Stop it!

-No-good, lyin', schemin'...

_________________________________

Shut up!

_________________________________

Phil. I...

_________________________________

I'm sorry.

_________________________________

Okay, okay, that's it.

You won't face the truth? Fine.

_________________________________

Phil, wait. Where you going?

_________________________________

I'm hoppin' the first barge out of here.

I'm goin' home.

_________________________________

Fine!

_________________________________

Go! I don't... I don't need you.

_________________________________

I thought you were gonna be

the all-time champ,

_________________________________

not the all-time chump.

_________________________________

HADES: Geez Louise!

What got his goat, huh?

_________________________________

Baboom. Name is Hades,

Lord of the Dead.

_________________________________

-Hi. How ya doin'?

-Not now, okay?

_________________________________

Hey, hey. I only need a few seconds

and I'm a fast talker, all right?

_________________________________

I've got the major deal in the works.

A real estate venture, if you will.

_________________________________

And Herc, you little devil you.

May I call you Herc?

_________________________________

You seem to be constantly

getting in the way of it.

_________________________________

You've got the wrong guy.

_________________________________

Hear me out, ya little...

Just hear me out, okay?

_________________________________

So I would be eternally grateful

_________________________________

if you would just take a day off

from this hero business of yours.

_________________________________

I mean, monsters, natural disasters.

You wait a day, okay?

_________________________________

-You're out of your mind.

-Not so fast, because, ya see,

_________________________________

I do have a little leverage

you might wanna know about.

_________________________________

-Meg!

-Don't listen, Herc...

_________________________________

-Let her go!

-Here's the trade-off.

_________________________________

You give up your strength

for about 24 hours, okay?

_________________________________

Say the next 24 hours.

_________________________________

And Meg here is free as a bird

and safe from harm.

_________________________________

We dance, we kiss, we schmooze,

we carry on, we go home happy.

_________________________________

What d'ya say? Come on.

_________________________________

People are gonna get hurt, aren't they?

_________________________________

Nah! I mean, it's a possibility.

It happens 'cause, you know, it's war.

_________________________________

But what can I tell ya? Anyway,

what do you owe these people?

_________________________________

Isn't Meg, little smoochy face,

isn't she more important than they are?

_________________________________

-Stop it!

-Isn't she?

_________________________________

You've gotta swear

she'll be safe from any harm.

_________________________________

Fine, okay. I'll give you that one.

_________________________________

Meg is safe, otherwise you get your

strength right back. Yadda yadda.

_________________________________

Fine print. Boilerplate. Okay? Done.

What d'ya say we shake on it?

_________________________________

Hey, I really don't have, like,

time to bat this around.

_________________________________

I'm kind of on a schedule here.

I got plans for August. Okay?

_________________________________

I need an answer, like, now.

Going once, going twice...

_________________________________

-All right!

-Yes, we're there! Bam!

_________________________________

(GROANING)

_________________________________

You may feel just a little queasy.

It's kinda natural.

_________________________________

Maybe you should sit down!

_________________________________

(GRUNTING)

_________________________________

Now you know how it feels

to be just like everybody else.

_________________________________

Isn't it just peachy?

_________________________________

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

You'll love this. One more thing.

_________________________________

Meg, babe, a deal's a deal.

You're off the hook.

_________________________________

And by the way, Herc,

is she not a fabulous little actress?

_________________________________

-Stop it.

-What do you mean?

_________________________________

I mean your little chickie-poo here

was working for me all the time.

_________________________________

Duh.

_________________________________

You're... You're lying!

_________________________________

-Help! (COUGHING)

-Jeepers, mister, you're really strong.

_________________________________

Couldn't have done it without you,

sugar, sweetheart, babe.

_________________________________

No! It's not like that.

_________________________________

I didn't mean to... I couldn't... I...

_________________________________

I'm so sorry.

_________________________________

Our hero's a zero! Our hero's a zero!

_________________________________

(LAUGHING)

_________________________________

Well, gotta blaze.

_________________________________

There's a whole cosmos up there

waiting for me with, hey, my name on it.

_________________________________

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

_________________________________

So much for the preliminaries,

and now on to the main event!

_________________________________

(HOWLING)

_________________________________

Brothers! Titans!

_________________________________

Look at you in your squalid prison!

_________________________________

Who put you down there?

_________________________________

TITANS: Zeus!

_________________________________

And now that I set you free, what is

the first thing you are going to do?

_________________________________

-TITANS: Destroy him!

-Good answer.

_________________________________

Crush Zeus!

_________________________________

Freeze him!

_________________________________

Melt Zeus!

_________________________________

Blow him away!

_________________________________

(BLEATING)

_________________________________

ALL: Zeus!

_________________________________

-HADES: Uh, guys?

-Huh?

_________________________________

Olympus would be that way.

_________________________________

-Zeus!

-Freeze him!

_________________________________

Hold it, bright eye.

_________________________________

I have a special job for you,

my optic friend.

_________________________________

(RUMBLING)

_________________________________

-(ROCK TITAN YELLING)

-Ah, huh?

_________________________________

Destroy Zeus!

_________________________________

Oh, we're in trouble!

Big trouble! I gotta...

_________________________________

My lord and lady,

the Titans have escaped,

_________________________________

and they're practically at our gates!

_________________________________

Sound the alarm!

Launch an immediate counterattack!

_________________________________

-Go! Go!

-Gone, babe.

_________________________________

(TRUMPETING)

_________________________________

Huh?

_________________________________

Charge!

_________________________________

Yah!

_________________________________

On to battle!

_________________________________

(SHOUTING)

_________________________________

Eeyah!

_________________________________

You windbag!

_________________________________

(SHOUTING)

_________________________________

Boom, badda-boom, boom, boom!

Hah!

_________________________________

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

_________________________________

CYCLOPS: Hercules!

_________________________________

Where are you?

_________________________________

(ROARING)

_________________________________

What can we do?

_________________________________

-Where is Hercules?

-Yeah, Hercules'll save us.

_________________________________

Hercules!

_________________________________

Come out! Face me!

_________________________________

What are you doing?

Without your strength, you'll be killed.

_________________________________

There are worse things.

_________________________________

Run!

_________________________________

Wait! Stop!

_________________________________

-Hey, look! It's Hercules.

-Thank the gods!

_________________________________

-We're saved!

-CYCLOPS: So...

_________________________________

You mighty Hercules.

_________________________________

(LAUGHING)

_________________________________

(ROARING)

_________________________________

(GRUNTS)

_________________________________

-Oh!

-(GROANING)

_________________________________

-(PEGASUS WHINNYING)

-(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

_________________________________

Easy, horsefeathers.

_________________________________

-(WHINNYING CONTINUES)

-Whoa, stop twitching.

_________________________________

Listen. Hercules is in trouble.

_________________________________

We've gotta find Phil.

_________________________________

He's the only one

who can talk some sense into him.

_________________________________

-(PEGASUS WHINNYING)

-(MEG YELLING)

_________________________________

Get back, blast you!

_________________________________

(ROARING)

_________________________________

-Ooh, Chihuahua.

-Zeus!

_________________________________

Come on! Hurry up!

We're shovin' off here!

_________________________________

-Phil!

-(WHINNYING)

_________________________________

Phil, Hercules needs your help!

_________________________________

What does he need me for

when he's got friends like you?

_________________________________

-He won't listen to me.

-Good! He's finally learned something.

_________________________________

Look, I know what I did was wrong,

but this isn't about me.

_________________________________

It's about him.

If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die.

_________________________________

I need more thunderbolts!

_________________________________

Hephaestus has been captured,

my lord.

_________________________________

Everyone's been captured.

I've been captured!

_________________________________

Hey, hey! Watch the glasses.

_________________________________

Zeusy, I'm home!

_________________________________

Hades. You're behind this!

_________________________________

You are correct, sir!

_________________________________

(GROANING)

_________________________________

(LAUGHING)

_________________________________

Flea.

_________________________________

(LAUGHING)

_________________________________

-Hercules!

-Phil.

_________________________________

Come on, kid. Come on. Fight back.

_________________________________

Come on, you can take this bum.

This guy's a pushover. Look at him.

_________________________________

You were right all along, Phil.

_________________________________

Dreams are for rookies.

_________________________________

No, no, no, no, kid.

Givin' up is for rookies.

_________________________________

I came back

'cause I'm not quittin' on ya.

_________________________________

I'm willing to go the distance.

_________________________________

How 'bout you?

_________________________________

(CYCLOPS APPROACHING)

_________________________________

(LAUGHING)

_________________________________

Me bite off head!

_________________________________

(LAUGHING)

_________________________________

(SCREAMING)

_________________________________

Whoa, baby!

_________________________________

(YELLING)

_________________________________

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

_________________________________

Hercules! Look out!

_________________________________

Meg! No!

_________________________________

(GRUNTING)

_________________________________

What's happening?

_________________________________

(GROANING)

_________________________________

Hades' deal is broken.

_________________________________

He promised I wouldn't get hurt.

_________________________________

Meg.

_________________________________

Why did you...

_________________________________

You didn't have to...

_________________________________

Oh, people always do crazy things

when they're in love.

_________________________________

Oh, Meg.

_________________________________

Meg, I... I...

_________________________________

Are you always this articulate?

_________________________________

(CHUCKLES)

_________________________________

You haven't got much time.

You can still stop Hades.

_________________________________

I'll watch over her, kid.

_________________________________

You're gonna be all right.

_________________________________

I promise.

_________________________________

(WHINNYING)

_________________________________

Let's go, Pegasus!

_________________________________

Hup, two, three, four.

Come on, everybody!

_________________________________

-I can't hear you!

-Oh, oh!

_________________________________

I swear to you, Hades,

when I get out of this...

_________________________________

I'm the one giving orders now, bolt boy.

_________________________________

And I think I'm gonna like it here.

_________________________________

HERCULES:

Don't get too comfortable, Hades!

_________________________________

(WHINNYING)

_________________________________

Hercules!

_________________________________

This ought to even the odds!

_________________________________

Yeah, Hercules! Thank you, man.

_________________________________

Get them!

_________________________________

Whoa! Hey!

_________________________________

No! Get him! Not me! Him!

_________________________________

Follow the fingers! Him!

The yutz with the horse.

_________________________________

(SCREAMING)

_________________________________

Thank you, my boy.

_________________________________

Nice horsey! My intentions were pure!

I really was attracted to you.

_________________________________

(BOTH YELLING)

_________________________________

Throw!

_________________________________

Hah!

_________________________________

Now watch your old man work!

_________________________________

Uh-oh.

_________________________________

Guys, get your titanic rears in gear

and kick some Olympian butt!

_________________________________

Whoa, is my hair out?

_________________________________

(SNICKERING)

_________________________________

-Hah! (LAUGHING)

-Whoo-hoo!

_________________________________

Thanks a ton, Wonderboy.

_________________________________

But at least

I've got one swell consolation prize,

_________________________________

a friend of yours who's dying to see me.

_________________________________

-(WHINNIES)

-Meg.

_________________________________

Meg.

_________________________________

(CRYING) Meg, no.

_________________________________

(MOURNFUL NEIGHING)

_________________________________

Oh, I'm sorry, kid.

_________________________________

(SIGHS) There's some things

you just can't change.

_________________________________

Yes, I can.

_________________________________

(HADES YELLING)

_________________________________

We were so close!

_________________________________

So close.

_________________________________

We tripped at the finish line. Why?

_________________________________

Because our little nut, Meg,

has to go all noble.

_________________________________

(RUMBLING)

_________________________________

-Where's Meg?

-Oh, look who's here.

_________________________________

Wonderboy, you are too much.

_________________________________

-Let her go.

-Get a grip.

_________________________________

Come here, come here.

Let me show you around.

_________________________________

Hmph. Well, well.

It's a small underworld after all. Huh?

_________________________________

Meg! Ahhh!

_________________________________

No, no, no. Mustn't touch.

_________________________________

You see, Meg's

running with a new crowd these days.

_________________________________
And not a very lively one, at that.

_________________________________

You like making deals.

Take me in Meg's place.

_________________________________
Well. The son of my hated rival

trapped forever in a river of death.

_________________________________

-Going once.

-Is there a downside to this?

_________________________________

-Going twice!

-Okay, okay, okay, okay.

_________________________________

You get her out. She goes, you stay.

_________________________________

You know what slipped my mind?

_________________________________
You'll be dead

before you can get to her.

_________________________________

That's not a problem, is it?

_________________________________
Oh!

_________________________________

What's the matter with these scissors?

_________________________________

The thread won't cut.

_________________________________

This is... This is impossible!

_________________________________

You can't be alive! You'd have to be a...

_________________________________

-A god?

-A god?

_________________________________

(YELLING)

_________________________________

Hercules, stop!

You can't do this to me. You can't...

_________________________________

(MUFFLED) Fine. Okay. Listen.

_________________________________

Okay. Well, I deserved that.

Herc, Herc, Herc. Can we talk?

_________________________________

Your dad, he's a fun guy, right?

_________________________________

So maybe you could

put in a word with him,

_________________________________

and he'd kinda blow this

whole thing off, you know?

_________________________________

Meg, Meg, talk to him.

A little schmooze...

_________________________________

(SCREAMING)

_________________________________

Eww! Get away from me!

Don't touch me!

_________________________________

Get your slimy souls off me!

_________________________________

He's not gonna be happy

when he gets outta there.

_________________________________

You mean, if he gets outta there.

_________________________________

-If. If is good.

-HADES: Taxi!

_________________________________

I don't feel so good. I feel a little...

_________________________________

(SCREAMING)

_________________________________

(SIGHING)

_________________________________

Wonderboy, what...

_________________________________

-Why did you...

-(CHUCKLES)

_________________________________

People always do crazy things

_________________________________

when they're in love.

_________________________________
Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Whoo!

_________________________________

(CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

_________________________________

Three cheers for the mighty Hercules!

_________________________________

Oh, yeah! Flowers for everybody! Oh!

_________________________________

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING CONTINUE)

_________________________________

Hercules, we're so proud of you.

_________________________________

Mother.

_________________________________

Hah!

_________________________________

Fine work, my boy! You've done it!

_________________________________

You're a true hero.

_________________________________

You were willing to give your life

to rescue this young woman.

_________________________________

For a true hero isn't measured

by the size of his strength,

_________________________________

but by the strength of his heart.

_________________________________

Now, at last, my son,

_________________________________

you can come home.

_________________________________

(CHEERING)

_________________________________

Congratulations, Wonderboy.

You'll make one heck of a god.

_________________________________

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

_________________________________

Father, this is the moment

I've always dreamed of.

_________________________________

But...

_________________________________

A life without Meg,

even an immortal life,

_________________________________

would be empty.

_________________________________

I...

_________________________________

I wish to stay on Earth with her.

_________________________________

I finally know where I belong.

_________________________________

(CROWD CHEERING)

_________________________________

Hit it, ladies!

_________________________________

-Gonna shout it from the mountaintops

-A star is born

_________________________________

-It's the time for pulling out the stops

-A star is born

_________________________________

-Honey hit us with a hallelu

-That kid came shining through

_________________________________

Girl, sing the song

_________________________________
-Come blow your horn

-A star is born

_________________________________

-He's a hero who can please the crowd

-A star is born

_________________________________

Come on, everybody shout out loud

A star is born

_________________________________

Just remember in the darkest hour

within your heart's the power

_________________________________

For makin' you a hero, too

_________________________________

So don't lose hope when you're forlorn

_________________________________

That's Phil's boy!

_________________________________

Just keep your eyes upon the skies

_________________________________

Every night, a star is

Right in sight, a star is

_________________________________
-Burning bright, a star is born

-A star is born

_________________________________

Like a beacon in the cold dark night

A star is born

_________________________________

Told ya everything would turn out right

A star is born

_________________________________

Just when everything was all at sea

The boy made history

_________________________________

-The bottom line

-Bottom line

_________________________________

-He sure can shine

-He can shine

_________________________________

His rising sign is Capricorn

_________________________________

He knew how to

He had a clue

_________________________________

Telling you a star is born

_________________________________

-Here's a hero who can please a crowd

-A star is born

_________________________________

-Come on, everybody, shout out loud

-A star is born

_________________________________

Just remember in the darkest hour

Within your heart's the power

_________________________________

-For makin' you a hero too

-A hero too

_________________________________

-So don't lose hope when you're forlorn

-No, no

_________________________________

Just keep your eyes

Upon the skies

_________________________________

Every night, a star is

_________________________________

Right in sight, a star is

_________________________________

Burning bright

A star is born

_________________________________

I have often dreamed

_________________________________

Of a far off place

_________________________________

Where a hero's welcome

_________________________________

Would be waiting for me

_________________________________

Where the crowds will cheer

_________________________________

When they see my face

_________________________________

And a voice keeps sayin'

_________________________________

This is where I'm meant to be

_________________________________

I'll be there someday

_________________________________
I can go the distance

_________________________________

I will find my way

_________________________________

If I can be strong

_________________________________

I know every mile

_________________________________

Will be worth my while

_________________________________

When I go the distance

I'll be right

_________________________________

Where I

_________________________________

Belong

_________________________________

Down an unknown road

_________________________________

You embrace my fears

_________________________________

Though that road may wander

_________________________________

It will lead me to you

_________________________________

And a thousand years

_________________________________

Would be worth the wait

_________________________________

It might take a lifetime

_________________________________

But somehow I'll see it through

_________________________________

And I won't look back

_________________________________

I can go the distance

_________________________________

And I'll stay on track

_________________________________

No, I won't accept defeat

_________________________________

It's an uphill slope

_________________________________

But I won't lose hope

_________________________________

Till I go the distance

And my journey

_________________________________

Is complete

_________________________________

Oh, yeah

_________________________________

But to look beyond the glory

_________________________________

Is the hardest part

_________________________________

For a hero's strength is measured

_________________________________

By his heart

_________________________________

Hoo

_________________________________

Like a shooting star

_________________________________

I will go the distance

_________________________________

I will search the world

_________________________________

I will face its harms

_________________________________

I don't care how far

_________________________________

I can go the distance

_________________________________

Till I find my hero's welcome

_________________________________

Waiting in

_________________________________

Your arms

_________________________________

I will search the world

_________________________________

I will face its harms

_________________________________

Till I find my hero's welcome

_________________________________

Waiting in

_________________________________

Your arms

_________________________________

HADES: What d'ya say?

It's happy ending time!

_________________________________

Everybody's got a little taste

of somethin' but me.

_________________________________

I got nothin'. I'm here with nothin'.

Anybody listenin'?

_________________________________

It's like I'm...

What am I, an echo or something?

_________________________________

Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what?

Hyperspace? Hello, it's me.

_________________________________

Nobody listens.
_________________________________